The Linn Family Adventures!!

Book 2 is ending

2009-07-18T16:11:00.003-04:00

Okay, what a strange title, I know. But I am very much into Harry Potter and the series is complete and the 6th movie is coming out... and so on and so on. So I decided that this past year has been Book 2 of my life. Book 1 was really long. It spanned from my birth to last July 2008. An adventure story filled with romance and drama, if I say so myself.

Book 2 is from July last year to July this year. And it has a happy ending. (well a bit of a cliff hanger... because the main character is not employed, but HEALED).

And I am disabling this Blog. For two really small reasons. First and foremost I don't have much to report any more. Well at least about Steve's injuries and recovery. I have a lot to say, I am not sure if any one wants to listen to my thoughts... they do tend to drag on. The other reason is that we are changing Internet providers and I am losing my email address and this blog will not let me use my new email as my sign on. I don't know why. So since I will be losing the email that I need to make this blog happen... I am losing the blog.

I am sure that there is an easy answer to fix it. but I took this as a sign that it is time to end.

We went to the races today. It was fun to watch and nice to see all of the people, especially the ones that were so amazingly supportive over the past year. I am not sure how I feel about being at the races, I went because it is fun to be there and Steve does love it. I am not sure that I want to go again. Someone nearly lost control of their boat today, but they gained back control and then finished the race. Two boats collided with each other, the racers are fine, but the boats are not. After seeing and hearing this, I just wanted to pack up and go. I pray for all of the racers and their families.

I did not see Steve crash. But I can only imagine what it was like. I have never seen Steve crash, he has flipped a few times, and I have never been there when he has. Which I am very very grateful for, because my imagination is enough.

But do not fear folks, Steve has video and pictures of EVERYTHING. And stories to match. In fact, the girls and I were sitting on the sand eating our lunch and Steve says, "this is exactly where it happened. if you were sitting here last year, you would have seen it." Nice. Thanks. That is exactly what I needed to hear. But I did not get up and go. He went to talk to someone and I played with the girls. Andrea says "where is daddy's boat?" And I reminded her that daddy does not drive right now, that he was in the accident last year. She knows that he was in the hospital, she reminded me that he is fine now. And then she said "you don't want him to drive. you don't want him to go to heaven." Yep. That is exactly how I feel.

On that note, we stayed until the rains came and then we left. The Quake on the Lake is always an amazing event, great races, wonderful family fun, my girls always have such a wonderful time. They work really hard to make this event a place for the race fans, and the others! It is nothing personal if I don't go again.

I don't know what Steve will do, he loves the sport, loves to race and loves the people involved. But I am hoping to close this book and start a new one.

Sky diving anyone?

Please and please make sure that you keep in touch with us. I am on face book and by now most of you have Steve's email.

God bless you all and take care.

The Linn Family

This is wonderful

2009-06-29T16:23:00.004-04:00

I can't tell you the exact date, I can tell you the exact moment, the exact feeling, the exact time and the exact day, but not the date. I am sure that someone else can tell me... I remember my head spinning and I remember trying to stay calm and focused. I remember Andrea praying and Nicki just taking them without any problems. I remember getting lost in Pontiac and that is what undid me. I remember Julia getting me back on track. I remember seeing him in the ER, getting ready for surgery and he is cracking jokes (he was on drugs).

I remember waiting and waiting in the surgery waiting room and I remember the surgery bouncing on his toes to talk to me. I remember that moment, because I knew that he was okay. I did not remember the surgeons name, but I remember him bouncing. He was excited because the breaks were really really bad and he got to put them together again.

It is nearly one year ago, when Steve crashed. One year has nearly passed and things have been really wonderful. I know that this must sound so crazy... because he is not employed, but things are wonderful.

He is walking. He is running, he is playing hockey. Yes, I said it, playing hockey. In his defense.. "I did not break my legs playing hockey." He loves it and he needs to be active, it is part of who is his, so he is playing hockey. And this is wonderful.

He has a hitch in his step, he is build differently now, and he has a lot of pain some days. But none of this slows him down. He is very active and very determined. He likes to have full days, and does not like to stop until the day is near the end. I like to think that he is doing this to prove that he can manage a full day of work on his feet the whole time and function. And he is. At night, some nights, it is difficult for him, the pain is great, but that is okay, because he is capable and stubborn and continues to use the princess ice packs to reduce the swelling in his knees. This is wonderful.

So if any of you out there are looking for a strong, determined, focused and stubborn worker, boy do I have one for you?! And goodness it would be wonderful if he were working again.

He does not like being out of work... me I love it. Of course the difference is that I know that I am going back to a job in the fall, and he wants to start a job now. I love sleeping till 8am, I love getting dressed some time before noon and I love decided what to do whenever... this is really wonderful.

The girls and I have been trying to entertain our selves with little money and it is fun. Sprinklers, bike rides and games. I feel the stress of the money, but they do not and to me that is (wait for it) wonderful.

I know that things will be okay, his unemployment benefits expire in September, so I am little nervous, but I know that things will be okay one day. He is alive, my children are happy and I sleep until 8am... so all in all, this is wonderful.

Stop Growing

2009-04-18T14:36:00.006-04:00

I am avoiding doing some work right now, so it is best to do something else instead. Like blog! Because I know that people are really missing my thoughts.

My baby turned five. That is amazing... and I guess that I can say that she is not my actual baby because she is my oldest. My real baby, the youngest, turned three a few months ago.

Every year, I write a letter to my babies on their birthday. And I have not written Andrea's yet. She will be five and one month in the next few days and I have not written her letter yet. I love the letters to be full of my thoughts, what I have seen each child do over the past year and even my hopes and wishes. But right now, I have only one thing to say to Andrea. "STOP" Just stop growing, stop getting older, just stop. I am not ready for her to be five, not yet. I fell in love with her at birth and right when I thought it was no longer possible to love her more, she became two. At two she became a big sister, she was a giving and loving and amazing big sister. This made me love her even more. And then she became three, oh my goodness, she developed and blossomed into this amazingly smart little child. She started preschool and blew me away, it was hard at first, she was REAL shy, but she worked through it, gain confidence and then just started to learn and learn and learn. She is such a good learner, she scares me... in a good way. And then she became four. I loved her at four, she was smart, and had just the right amount of sass to her. You know the funny kind, but also knew when to stop with it just by the look on my face. I loved her arguments. One time, she told me that I did not get a say in teh matter because I was not the boss. God was the boss. Of me and of her. So God got a say. (I laughed once I calmed down) See, the right amount of sass. She is thoughtful, considerate and kind. And then she turned five.

Now don't panic. She did not grow a second head or anything. She just turned five. And she stopped being four. She gets herself dressed now. She gets her self out of bed and was playing in the front room, because she was big enough to be up by herself. She gets her own snack down from the cupboard. She rides a bike and she tells me "no mom, I can do it by myself, I need to learn how."

I am not ready for this. I am just not ready for her to do or be any of this.

I feel like I have handled my crazy year well. I have done so with humor and dignity.

But I am not handling this. So, I did what any good mom would do, I told her to stop growing and that she was grounded until she agreed. And she said what any good five year old would say. "Mom, you better like five because I will be six really soon and then what."

Just the right amount of sass.

So, I did the next best thing, I told my three year old to be three for a while and she of course said, "I too bizsy, I big girl, I not baby no more." She has a little more than the right amount of sass, she has all of the sass! I will not be sad when she turns five, I will be scared. But I have time.

I will not talk about how old I will be this year. I refuse to talk about it, think about it or even accept it. Let's just say, that I am youthful in my thinking and energy.

Steve and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this year. This I will talk about. This is fun. I don't know what we are going to do, can't really afford to do anything, but stare lovingly into eachother's eyes and recite words of love and longing to eachother. And then drink beer and watch hockey. You know both of our dream nights.

so, I asked Steve if we should have a third child. And he said that we should. Because he said "every man who is unemployed, can't find a job, struggling to pay our bills and still recovering from an accident in which he broke both of his legs should take on a third child. Clearly it is the right time for our family."

Did I mention that I think Sassiness is inherited?

The Black Hole

2009-04-06T20:17:00.004-04:00

I swear I have dived head first into a black hole, and I guess that I took my family with me. People have seen me and my family, but it is hard to keep up with blogging about our lives.

I can't even tell what I have been doing since the last time I blogged, or what my family has been doing. We have been living each day and then getting ready for the next one. Nothing crazy has happened, nothing exciting, nothing bad. And although that makes a horrible story to tell (Where's the drama? Where's the gripping plot?) it does make for a nice life.

But I should up date you...

Steve is healing beautifully. He is walking well and has gained most of his strength back and feels good most of the time. He has a few aches and pains here and there, but mostly pain free. And I am sure that his aches and pains have more to do with his advanced age than his injury... but don't tell him I said that! His surgeon has cleared him to play hockey... which is good for him, believe it or not. Bones and muscles have good memories and apparently, if you work on your muscles and bones after an injury, they recover better and stronger and in a better path way, then if you let them go... It is not easy for him, he has to rebuild some things, but it is good for him.

The job search is not as smooth... But he is looking in all kinds of places and will be starting some type of training program in the next few months. It seems that his experience level is not as viable right now, so he will start to be trained in a different field.

Andrea turned five in March. Five. This is scary to me, she has the smarts of a five year and the sass of a 15 year old. But all in all she is a wonderful little girl with the love for learning and the gentle soul. She is very sensitive, and a bit of a drama queen... word on the street is that this is genetic, but I won't tell you who... She was talking about being compassionate the other day... I love that she knows what it is and that she practices it with her friends. It is very easy to love her.

Erica will be starting preschool in the fall, well we signed her up. She says "No." "I will not go to that scary place." "I no need to learn. I smart for kinnergarren." Yes she is very scary smart, knows her numbers to 10, her colors, her alphabet, her shapes and she is learning how to problem solve. I am not sure why she is scared of it, but she does not like transitions, so I suppose that this is it. And quite frankly, she will be going and I will be brave as she screams, because I know the teachers and they are great and she will be safe and fine. I am trying to prep her, because most of the time, when she makes up her mind about something, that is it. She is wonderfully stubborn. I love a girl who knows EXACTLY what she wants and how she wants. And she is NOT afraid to set her limits. I find this amusing now... talk to me in 5 years, let's see how I feel then. Again, this is suppose to be a genetic trait, I will tell you she is her father.... through and through.

I finished my book. I applied for a copyright last night. Let me know if you want one, I will sell it to you at a really great price...

Things at work have been interesting... we are attempting to change alot in how we approach students and our intervention processes, alot of these interventions I have been project leader on, I have a lot of training to be able to led these processes and I have done a lot of work behind the scenes. These interventions will change what we do and adopt an attitude that failure is not an option for anyone. So I have been feeling the stress... but I am proud of what we are doing at the school.

We are still on a budget and it is helping a lot. We have not defaulted on any payments and have been managing. Budgets suck!!! However they are necessary and important. And I am not the only one, I just know that you are too! Hey, we will clip coupons and get together for coffee one day!

I am not complaining, but I have been tired alot lately. I tend to put alot of my energy in everything that I do, whether it is parenting, marriage, money managing, work, etc. I am happy, we are happy and we are all fine. However, I am waiting for a day that I can sleep and sleep and then wake up to sleep some more, and then I will take a break to read a good book. After six days of sleeping I will spend all the time in the world playing kitchen with my babies.

And then after day 9, I will crawl out of the black hole and give you a call.

This is Holy week, may this week give you the chance to feel God's love and hear and feel Jesus's words.

Moving Forward

2009-03-06T21:39:00.002-05:00

I am very sorry, for those who have been waiting patiently. We are fine, we are making each day count and each day counting our blesses!

My health issue was just new change in my body, but it was an odd but now a perfectly normal change. I just love aging... so I have decided to stop aging.

Steve is still job hunting... so we would love any one out there to think of him if you know of something. He has an Associates in Computer Aided Design Mechanical and an associates in CAD Tool Design and over 15 years of experience. He is currently trained in Ciata.

And he is looking for a new field, where he only needs a two year degree or less, any thoughts? Something that is viable.

My job is wonderful, and very stable, and we have very good health benefits, so we can't leave the state, because I can't leave my security...

Anyways... I am writing a book. About developing and implementing educational support groups for at risk teens, so I just know that you all want to buy a copy when I am done!

I promise to sit down and write more one day. I am amazed about how busy I am.

Not ready to talk but need to say something

2009-02-05T21:52:00.003-05:00

Okay, here is my super secret please be patient with me blog.

I went to the doctor last week for a standard run of the mill appointment and there is some abnormal going on with me. And NO, it was not an appointment with a psychiatrist. Because we all know that I am very abnormal, so stop worrying about me being crazy.

I mean, something abnormal with my normally normal health. So, she is sending me for more tests. It could be nothing or it could be something. Well, it is something, however it could not get worse or it could.

I know that I am not making sense. I don't know what to say right now, how much I want to say, except that I need to say this. I don't want to say what it is or what it might be, because I just want to know for sure. My next appointment for more extensive tests is next week. So, I promise to say more than.

Let me digress and shift the subject. I have a very dear friend. Whom I never see enough, but think of her all the time. She got sick, flu type symptoms which never really cleared up and started to drain on her energy, so she broke down and went to the doctor (after being sick with flu like symptoms for a few weeks). Her doctor thought Mono, or some other type of infection. He gave her a prescription and send her on her way. Then a bit later, she basically collapsed and was hospitalized. The labels were being thrown around, one the scariest ones was leukemia. But they could not really figure out what it was, and honestly when a doctor (or team) can not figure out what it is, they don't know how to treat it. Long story short, they finally stabilized her and still not knowing what to do, she just started to get better and was released from the hospital. What a scare for her and her family. The journey was hard, but the ending was okay. And then her husband was diagnosed with ALS, and after battling with ALS for around two years, he died. She has two young children.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because she and God are my touching stones. She was on this crazy roller coaster of a life for over three years and she keep her pride, love, sense of humor and her Faith. When I start to feel sorry for myself, I think of her and all that she is and suck it up. She has had to put her life together without her husband, and she has. She is a strong, smart and wonderful woman. I don't know if she reads this blog or not, but she knows how I feel. And if she reads this, I will know, because she will call me and demand answers...

However, I don't have answers. I have an odd symptom that may mean it will turn into more symptoms and then an actual disease, needing treatment and such or may mean just the odd symptom that needs to be treated all by itself.

So, I will let you know... when I am ready.

As always, as you end your day, pray for your family, but your gifts of prayer to our family are still appreciated and welcomed.

GPS Please

2009-02-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

I have been musing lately. Again. I know what you are saying. When did I stop?

Honestly, I do think alot, about alot... it is just tiring. Some of my thoughts are simple. "Do have any milk?" Some are more complex "what is 1543 * 3435?" or "how to pay for $10 worth of stuff when you have $5?" and others are just down right profound. Well, at least I think so. And I will warn you, the following is the profound.

We have been on a journey. Not a horrible journey, not a wonderful journey. A journey that requires us to think, feel and believe. It has been interesting for the past seven months, and if you don't know what I am talking about, well then read the previous blogs and you will get it. I am not unhappy, I am not worried, I am not feeling targeted or punished, I am just wondering what is next.

Next could the the blessed thing that changes our life for the better or next could be the difficult thing that makes us pause and regroup and move forward strong because of it. I certainly pray that the next is not insurmountable. For all that we have through, it has all been positive in the end.

HOWEVER. I need direction. I like to know where I am going. I don't mind reflecting on where I have been, I like to understand the past so that I can learn from it. But I really like to have a sense of the next step.

We went to visit my mom four or five states away in December, Steve's brother loaned us his GPS system. Which I lovingly named "gipse" Gipse let us plug in the final destination, and when we wanted to make a job, she tried to help us find what we wanted. Gas station? "Turn right in 0.5 miles" Restaurant? "Turn left in .5 miles." We changed our minds and took a different road because of traffic, no problem "recalculating" and then redirected us to maintain our destination. For a person that gets lost easily, I LOVE gipse. I miss her, because she was not ours and I had to give her back.

I really want one. But, in our new budget, a GPS system is not even anywhere on the list. Oh well. Life goes on. I will certainly live without a GPS.

Or will I? What if God made each of us a GPS system? He plugs in our destination, gives us the best route and then redirects us when we get off of the road. I know that you must be thinking, that this is EXACTLY what He does.

But I need it in writing or some type of visual format. Yes, I believe, I really do. I trust in God, I do. BUT, what does trust and believe have to do with having knowledge and information... can't I just get a peek at the road, the path that I am suppose to be on. Can't I get a clue as to the "traffic conditions" or any detours I should take, or worse stormy weather ahead and that I should pull over and stop for a spell?

So, I guess what I am asking for anyone out there to send me this GPS? The one that can tell me my next destination, which way to turn and when to "recalculate". The one that God has programmed for me and my family. I don't mind the journey, I am enjoying most of it, but I would not go to CA without a map... so if you have that system that will plot out my family's destination, could you please send it to me?

Thanks!

A death in our family

2009-01-30T06:28:00.002-05:00

About one hour ago, Steve's father died. He has been struggling with his health over the past few years, however things have gotten much worse over the past month. He has had a series of strokes over a number of years and has been struggling with symptoms of parkinson's. But in the end, I think that his heart became weaker than the rest of him and stopped working. He has been very weak over the past month, struggling to get and stay out of bed for any length of time, and not really eating, so he was becoming weaker and weaker. His mom is also not in the best of health, struggling with her own health issues, so it was really hard for Steve to watch his mom be determined to have him home (he was in the hospital and was due to transfer to a residential facility and his mom decided to bring him home to be comfortable) and then struggle to help him. But now it is over.

Steve is the youngest of six and his oldest brother is around 15 years older, so this is the course of life when your parents are elderly, but even though it is "expected" it is still a little shocking and sad.

We need prayers, prayers for his father to find peace and forgiveness and join God in the light and glory of heaven. Peace and strength for his mom, that her heart and her pain may find some lifting with God's love. And prayers for all of the "boys" to be able to move through this phase of life with grace and strength.

And while we are prayer, one of Steve's prayers is really sick and in the hospital pending a very serious surgery, please pray for him most intently.

May God bless you.

kendra

What do I say?

2009-01-11T14:12:00.002-05:00

I have a lot on my mind and nothing to say. There are a lot of things that I need to say, like thank you to the people who were more than generous this past six months. I have a lot of things that I want to say, but can't. Because not all of my thoughts are nice and pure.... And I have a lot of things I just don't know how to put into words.

I try and use this blog for a place where people can read about my family and Steve's progress. And every so often it becomes a place for me to air things out. I am afraid to say that this is one of those, here it comes!

I have three friends, whose blogs I read and love. They are charming, caring, inspirational and even funny. These I use to inspire me to be the same. And yet, I have been avoiding doing a blog because I am feeling crappy and negative and impatient. And for NO good reason.

We are so blessed and we are okay in many many ways. And when we are not okay, as a family, we have eachother. I have stressed, however less stress than many people in this world, so I need to let my crappiness go. My husband and I got into our real first fight in months the other week. Now, if you know us, you know that I like to talk things out (yeah, it is annoying), but we don't fight often, but we did. What he said was true, how he said it was ugly. I did not respond to the words, I reacted to the way it was said. And I got defensive and just stopped. This was not the beginning of the crappy feelings, this was the situation that put it out there (for those who were worried, we made up one hour later, talked it out and are fine now). What he said, in essence, is that I worry too much, I try to do too much, and I end up nowhere but stressed. He is right, and it would explain why I am crappy. But now what?

Everything takes work. Being positive takes work (at least for me), being insightful, thought and understanding takes a whole lot of work. Being productive and efficient, takes work. Having faith... takes work. I love being a social worker, a wife, a mother, a child of God, but it all takes work. And I am tired. And being tired makes me crappy. And being crappy makes me feel bad, because of the support, the guidance, the love, the compassion that has been shown to us in the past six months, does not warrant crappy, it warrants love, faith and gratefulness. So that makes me feel lousy, because I am not the person that deserves all of this kindness, generosity and compassion. So I work to not be crappy, because I should not be. And then that takes work, and then I am tired again, because it takes work and we all now what happens when I am tired. Ugh. I am like a dog chasing his tail.

So... what do I say?

Steve is okay. Loads of discomfort, pain in his legs, but his mobility is good. He is done with physical therapy, and is suppose to be doing it on his own, he should... but. He is at the doctor's a lot, he has three and they all like to see him. He is doing really well, he deserves to be crappy, but he is not. He is hopeful, proud and trying really hard to stay on top of his recovery and his employment.

He has had one job interview of the past four months, but one is better than none. He is not crappy, he is trying to get training, new classes, stays motivated and focused.

The girls are great, both in great health, sharp and smart and remind me everyday that I have a lot to be grateful about. They are not crappy (well, not all of the time).

And the good news is that crabbiness is just a phase and I will pass through it. And right when I think things could not worse... Erica shows me what true and real crabbiness looks like. And nothing, I mean NOTHING, is better than seeing a three year in an all out massive, "I want what I want" temper tantrum. She puts my crabbiness to shame. I need to take lessons from the master. Andrea of course does not get crabby, she gets righteous. In case any of you doubt who is the boss around here, it is not me.

So, I will take a lesson from my children, have a meltdown, get all crappy and crazy, go to time out, and then come out fresh as a daisy and ready to start with a whole new attitude.

And I will take a lesson from my husband, keep moving forward, even when you have to use support to do it.

And I will pray. I have found a little prayer... funny I think.

"God grant me the courage and the patience to get through this day, help me with the strength to cope with all of the people who piss me off. Amen"

Celebrating all of God's creations... at the BEACH!

2008-12-29T10:45:00.004-05:00

I have nothing to say, because a picture is worth a thousand words. We tried really hard to celebrate God's presence and not just presents...

This is Christmas eve, outside of Ocean side presbyertian church. We were honored to witness a candlelit service with families reading the scripture about the birth of Jesus. The pastor kept calling this whole thing a miracle, and he included making sure that today is a miracle. And right now, after all that we have been through, I could not agree more. We are being watched over by angels.

Grandma Carrie's work not only has sharks, but also has an amazing tree display. We found the Michigan Tree!

My brother, their uncle, Keith.

However, because of so many people, we did have the tree filled up! Between the generosity of others, like Richard and his family, and our family, the girls were a bit spoiled. And this was after I gave things away to other families in need.

Erica, who is normally afraid of Dogs, decided that Maxwell was okay, and decided that she could handle walking him!

"And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky". And there was evening, and there was morning-the second day. And God said, "Let the water under the sky gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good. Genesis 1:6-10. And we shall call it The Ocean!! This is the things that we tried to emphasis, God's creations, God's miracles and God's presence.

May all of your presents and God's Presence be as wonderful for you and your family.

Has the new year started yet?!

2008-12-25T19:49:00.003-05:00

Okay, I was just trying to get caught up on all of my things and I realized that I have only blogged once this month. I guess that just shows how busy things are around my house.

I have been really busy at work, I have a full time job and am expected (by myself especially) to fit the whole month in when we are only there for two weeks.

Steve's birthday is in December, I will not disclose how old he is, let's just say, he is old enough to know better and young enough to not really care! And he is doing really well medically. He is walking unaided and is able to stand for a long time. He is tired most of the time, but part of this is to be expected. He is doing well, easily frustrated, but doing well. He is not doing his therapy as much, he is doing many of the exercises on his own. He even earned $15 last week shoveling snow. He did three houses and it took him hours and he could not move for hours... but it was a test of his endurance and strength. I guess he passed and then passed out... but each week is better.

We traveled to my mom's house for the holidays, which was a needed trip for me. My mom and my husband are like my best friends, so it is so important for me to have both with them. And I really want my children to bond with my mom, so I was so happy to go. I usually go every August, but for some reason, this was not possible this year!

I am sad to report that we celebrated Christmas in 70 degree weather. Gee that was hard...

We tried to prioritize God this year, and celebrate His presence and not just the presents. This is hard to do, when we were blessed by so many gifts from others for our children. Thanks Richard.

We went to a Christmas eve service, which was so beautiful, families took turns reading verses and singing carols. I thought it was moving and it made me feel so grateful for my life and all that is around me.

And then that night my mom gave me a gift. She asked my boss for some notes from some students thanking me. I have had a hard year, personally and professionally. And I have struggled to do be it all... as U2 says, running to stand still. So, instead of sending my mom a few notes from kids who I have helped, some little elves put together a WHOLE scrapbook of notes and pictures for me about me. How do you say thank you to people who care enough to thank you. I feel like right now I need to try, stay focused and care, no matter what. Because each word, each action, might just matter to someone. And I know that I am blessed. I am driven by God's force to have this life, to be present in this life.

Thank you Tanya for making this happen, I don't know how you did it. You hate scrapbooking, but this is the fuel that I needed.

So as the old year ends and the new year starts, I will make sure I know what my priorities are: God, Family, work... Each deserves my love and my attention.

My New Year's resolutions:
1. Believe
2. Find at least one amazing thing in each person
3. Laugh every day at least once
4. Tell someone how lucky I am that they are a part of my life somehow
5. Lose 10 pounds. (I have to have this one on my list every year!!)
6. Cherish my family, cherish my life
7. Be grateful and thankful every day.
8. Pray
9. Stand up straight
10. Stay focused on my priorities

I think that this should be a doable list....

I wish the most for you and your family. I will pray for you to find strength, love and laughter this coming year.

Happy New Year.

Kendra

The research is in!

2008-12-06T08:09:00.003-05:00

It has been sciencitfcally proven. Happiness and hope are contagious! It is being recorded that when you are around people who are happy and hopeful your mood is lifted! Isn't this wonderful news. So,w hat does this all mean? Well, start with a smile! And not just any smile, not the polite smile taht you put on, but the smile that warms your heart.

What makes you smile? Well, it might be different for many people, but I hope that it is your family, your life, your Faith and your friends. And if you are doing really good, it is also your job.

And when you smile, the facial muscles trigger stuff in your brain and the happy juice is released (sorry about the technical terms) and you start to think and feel happy.

Truly cool, isn't it?!

SO... your attitude really does matter, however your attitude is strongly influenced by the feelings and the attitude of the people around you.

So. Sorry to those, who I have been whiney, pouty, crying and cranky around. I have not been helping your moods and if you have stopped calling me, I don't blame you. But don't worry too much, because Misery does not love company, misery will only drop your mood by 7%, whereas happy company will jolt your mood by over 20%!

So, hang out with me, we are workign on our attitude, working to see the positive in this situation and workign to be optimistic about Steve, his recovery and our financial situation. And if you are being positive and hopeful, then darn it, we will have to feel it too!

So, maybe we all need to rethink about who we have in our lives. This research gives you permission to set limits on the misery and increase the happy ones!

I am not sure what you think, but I think and feel that God is the biggest optimist ever and that he has a sense of humor. I mean, really look around at everything, some of the creations are just funny! And when you see the world, the hard, the dark and then the light, how can you not be happy and grateful for all that we have. Thank God for all that you see, and I will thank God for allowing me to hear, see and feel the happy.

Man Down Man Down

2008-11-29T09:22:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. I hope that you have been bestowed with many blessings. It has been a very challenging week for me personally, so I am glad to have the time off from work to regroup and refocus.

I know, you want an explanation... of course I will tell you what I mean.

Tuesday was parent teacher conferences at my school. We have over 140 students enrolled and we average 25 parents each conference. And typically it is the parents of the "good" kids that we get to come in, not always but usually. I know that many lives are stressed right now, but the students that I work with are in trouble, in school and out of school. They need some adult in their life to work with us, the other adults in their life. But this discussion is for another time. Back to my story. Maybe I will keep it shorter if I organize it:

Tuesday 7:45pm: Parent Teacher Conferences (this day started at 7:45am). The last parent, whom I have not ever meet until that moment (her students are very new to us), seemed to be stressed... I had no idea. I sat in with a teacher to meet with her, because I am worried about her students. And I stated that I wanted to refer her family to a community based program, she screamed and yelled at me for over 25 minutes. I am not kidding, it was the worst experience of my professional life. I did not get more than 4 words in, I was not able to finish one sentence, defend anything, nothing. Apparently she has had a difficult life and does not want any support from "people like me." I can't even imagine being that angry, that bitter, that full of hurt and hate that you are willing to lash out at people you don't know. MAN DOWN! This experience rocked me to the core. With anger, hurt, sadness. So I did what any good person does... prayed. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Tuesday 8:30pm: I was driving home very tired, very drained, very upset and very Done (okay hysterical might be a better word for it). I call home to check in on my family, and I get the news, Andrea twisted her ankle today, not bad enough to warrant more than an icepack, but enough to upset her and cause significant limping for the rest of the night. Steve has to limp too, I wish that I had a picture of the two of time, limping together holding hands.... MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Okay, so this puts it to perspective for me. God let me know, by taking my little darling down, that I can't worry about those who don't want help, who are angry and hurt, that is His job, I need to worry about those who need me the most. My family.

Wednesday 6:00am: I woke up, after going to bed sometime after 12am. Tired but can't sleep... MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN (okay up but so very tired)

Wednesday 6:45am: Both girls wake up coughing, not sick, but it is the start of something. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN After breakfast, cuddle time, we all headed off, I was late for work, but I could not control that and I was okay with it.

Wednesday 1:15pm: School luncheon with staff and students. I led the group in a moment of silence asking for thoughts and prayers for those families this holiday season who need it. And it worked. They were silent and I hope praying or doing that they needed to do and believe in. This is moment of Man Up...

Wednesday 3:30pm: Pick Andrea up from school. She made it through school, had some fun, but then informed me that Learning and playing is really hard work and could I stop talking so that she could rest. She then fell asleep in the car. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Thursday 6:00am... 7:00am... 7:30am: House is scarily quiet, Erica is always up by 6:45am...MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN (but honestly I am not complaining about this one).

Thursday 12:00pm: Steve is getting restless and decides to wash windows, and cover them in film (to insulate the house, we heard that this helps on heat). By 12pm, he was on his feet for two hours and could not stand any more, he had to stop and sit down, becuase he was in pain. He was wiped out, This is from the man who did not ever slow down, but these legs cause him to slow down much more. Oh, and a football game was convinently on... MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Thursday 2:00pm: preparing to leave to friend's house for dinner, loaded up car, organized everything, made two dishes to pass and left the house in a flurry of activity and items. Erica waits until we are heading out of the door and has a mother of all meltdowns. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN Detour, get favorite blanket and hope for sleep for her.

Thursday 2:50pm: Arrived at destination, start to unload, forgot one dish to pass, the BIG one. Got all the ingredients to go with it, just not the main ingredient. And we are 50 minutes from home....MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Thursday 6:00pm: Dogs decide to play and fight inside the house, next to Erica, who became hysterical and climbed on top of a table screaming. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Thursday 9:00pm: "Mom I don't feel good" MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 1:00am: "MOMMMMMMMMMMMM" (lost night light)MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 4:00am: "MOMMMMMMMMMMMM" (missing one blanket, has five others) MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 7:30am: Quiet crying on the floor, Andrea was laying on her floor saying "I am so sick" MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 9:00am: Steve says that he is not feeling well either, not bad, just not good. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 10:00am: I actually got sick, but once I did, I was fine. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN for a moment.

Friday 5:30pm: Andrea has been in bed for the past four hours. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 5:45pm: Andrea is up and moved to the couch to sit with her dad and her sister, but still looks flush. The two of them cuddle, and cough. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Friday 5:46pm: Erica climbed on the couch with them, to watch a movie with a lollipop in her mouth and fell asleep. MAYDAY MAYDAY MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

So, all in all, we are good. We fall down in little ways and big ways, but we always come back up.

I hope that your weekend was not eventful and I pray that your family was up. And in case it was not, the best cure for man down, is humor, love, family, friends and God. I will let you put it in the order of your choosing.

Update

2008-11-22T21:31:00.002-05:00

Okay, time to stop forcing you to enter my thoughts and crazy pathed mind and touch base back to my lovely husband and his recovery.

He is doing well, he is doing really well, for the fact that he could have died, was in ICU for five days, has had two major surgeries and in inpatient rehab for over 10 days and is currently in outpatient rehab three days a week. He is doing well, but what is well. He is NOT healthy, he is NOT whole and he is NOT done recovering. His bones are still broken. He is much stronger and he is walking independently most of the time. But, he walks with a hitch and he has to sit down after 60-90 minutes of being on his feet. And he is not done healing. By the end of the day, he is tired, in pain and silent. He does not complain. He is not gaining weight (he lost over 20 pounds) and he is cold all of the time, really scary weird cold. He is not sleeping well, because he has pain and is stressed. And he is quiet alot nad I can see the pain and the stress of his face and I work to put a smile on mine, so that he has one less thing to worry about. He is trying to stay focused on where he has come and not where he has to go.

He has not found a job and this is really bothering him. I know that he needs a job, for his dignity, self respect and of course our budget, but he is not ready. I can not imagine how he will hold a job for eight hours. He reminds me that he is trained to work on a computer and this requires sitting and not standing. But his field of expertise is hurting right now and does not seem to be recovery, so he is thinking about what can he do. He can not walk far and long, he can not move and carry heavy things, he can not be on his feet for more than an hour without getting off his feet.

He should have been on disability till November, then laid off (because that was inevitable) with two months severage and then unemployment. Which means that he could have recovered fully without wondering how to walk into an interview without an obvious hitch in his step. But this did not happen, I am not angry at the old company, I can't hang onto the anger, it is too draining, I am just sad. My husband does not feel like he can recovery, he has to stand on his own two feet to help his family, literally and figuratively.

So, he is recovering well, he really is, but he has a long way to go. These experiences has changed our lives, changed his life in small and big ways, and I hope in the long run, for the better.

I am sure that soon I will have some amusing and odd things to blog about. But not now, now I just wanted to let you know, really know how he was.

May God bless you, me and all of us.

Psalms 151

2008-11-15T07:24:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Got Questions dot org, I have done some research on the meaning of God's word. At church we have been studying the bible, we are reading, discussing and applying God's word. And of course this got me thinking.

And for those you have been following my word on this Blog know that I am always thinking, always hatching some crazy ideas in my mind. Stress makes me think and thinking stops my sleep. So I pray, pray to organize my thoughts, bring peace to my nights and I pray to help direct my family on the right path.

But then I discovered, in my reading of the bible, the Psalms. The Psalms talk about ways to sing God's praises and your love for God to God. God presents Himself to us, and the Psalms are ways to show Him how much we are blessed to have His glory in front of us. These series of psalms move from fearing God's power, to be in awe of the wonders that He creates to showing God that we see what a compassionate and loving leader in our lives. "I will fear no evil; for You are with me" (Psalm 23:4).
"But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:5-6).

The psalms show, prove and tell us that we are able to show and share all of our feelings with and to God. We can have our fears, our anger, our praise and our awe. God will love us and hold us and cherish us, as long as in our feelings, we hear Him. And follow Him.

And there is a movement to create a bible with your very own interpretation of the verses in your way.

Yes, you know exactly where I am going with this one! Create my own verses, my own praises to God.

Whoo Hoo

Hee hee

Okay, don't panic, I am a firmly believer in God, this is NOT a mockery of God, this is my way of making sense of my life and interpreting God's word to help me, to help my family, to bring us closer to God, to His word, to be able to understand the path He has chosen for us. I believe that God loves us for who we are... and I have a weird off center sense of humor.

Psalm 151
God delivers the goods
1 God, You have provided us with our needs
You have given us fruit and seeds to eat
You have moved to help us feel nourished and full
2 Please God give us Your grace as we mix
Your fruit, your miracles with chocolate
3 Give us this mixture with the absence of calories
And the presence of You.

Psalm 152
God brings us peace
1 God, blessed be your name
We sing your name
We praise your name
2 Bring us the wisdom of Solomon
Bring us the love like David
Bring us the compassion and drive of Jesus
3 God we trust in You
We trust in Your word
4 For the Love of You God
Bring me sleep
Uninterrupted and peaceful sleep
5 Please give us the gift of time stopping
For we believe in Your power
Please allow there to be more time between 4am and 6am
6 In Your honor we praise

Psalm 153
Balancing
1 God give us the gift of balance
The balance of choosing good over evil
The balance of walking from temptation
The balance of compassion and accountability
2 God give us the strength to balance
To balance on our broken legs
To balance on our broken bank accounts
3 God show us the way to balance
The way to balance our fears and hope
The way to balance love with awe
The balance to move forward even when things force us to stop
4 Thank You for holding the weights as we try to balance

Your Turn?!

Abnormal Growth

2008-11-06T06:43:00.007-05:00

I must tell you before I begin with Steve's progress that I just love creating the titles. The title of each blog is my summary, my inspiration and sometimes my inside joke. Typically each title has double meanings... but most of the time, you would have to understand me and my thought process to understand all of the meanings!

This one, I will explain, because I know that you are dying of curiosity to get inside of my head.

Steve's bone was growing abnormally, all five bones were plateauing and not maintaining an appropriate pace of development. He was placed on an ultrasound machine for bone stimulation daily, as well as medications, supplements, therapy etc. This was not effective on his femur, so he had surgery on Tuesday to correct the femur surgically because it was growing abnormally.

Our family has changed and will continue to change and we are trying to grow from it, learn and change as a result of all that has happened to us and that will happen to us. But growth, in difficult circumstances, is challenging, so we ARE growing, just a bit abnormally right now. I promise that I will not do any radical treatment on my family to get them to be back to normal. Although I might need a radical intervention to get me back to normal. Boy am I stressed... I need a intervention day, Steve has got to go to the hospital to correct his abnormal growth, why can't I go the spa to correct mine?

Get it?! I know, I know, what a riot. Steve keeps telling me that I am not funny, but seriously, my wit and my charm is unstoppable. Or as I like to say to him, I am not funny for you, I am typically amusing myself, so Whatever!

Okay, back to the topic at hand. Steve's femur was not a compound break, but it did shatter a bit. One chip came off when he was struck. This chip was suppose to reconnect to his femur, alas much like the man himself, it was stubborn and wanted to do it's own thing. I had no idea that bones could take on the personality of their host!

So his chip (we thought it was large in size, but the doctor thought a size of a helicopter seed) was causing him problems and was not progressing. His other bones are responding to treatment and doing much better in terms of stabilizing and healing. However his bone in his femur was not stabilizing as well. So when the surgery was in process, the decision was to shave the chip to fit back into the femur. But when he opened up the leg, the chip was not a chip at all it was a chunk! A massive growth on the side of his newly trying really hard to develop femur. So, what to do? Extract it of course! Lope that sucker off! The bone will not have to figure out which direction to go in... it can just develop in it's normal up and down way.

He has had two days out and he is doing really well, walking with support, standing and trying to gain more strength. He is doing well. He is very strong, and I have proof of this, the surgeon said that his muscle was really responsive and fighting them every step of the way, which shows it's determination and strength (okay, another body part that is like it's host).

Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts and your hope.

We are blessed with abnormal growth. Please don't allow anyone to lope us off though!!! We need support, prayers and love, not radical intervention!

To be Contin

2008-11-04T17:48:00.003-05:00

I don't have time to get into the details and I promise that I will spend more time when I do. I just wanted you all to know that Steve did have surgery today and is now home.

He needed to have a bone chip moved in his femur. He did not go as planned, he actually had to have this part of his femur removed.

There really is a story behind all of this, I promise.

He is not walking right now, he will have a minor minor set back because of this new surgery, however in the long run, it will be a positive part of his recovery.

I promise more details later....

All in all, he is doing well, really well. Thank you all for your prayers, God was on our side this morning. He is safe, and he will recover.

Thank you.

God Bless

Election Day

2008-11-02T08:45:00.004-05:00

Get out the vote. Vote and then just in case Vote again!

This blog will tell you exactly WHO to vote for and Why!

Really, I just know that you all are competent adults who can handle the responsibility of voting, this is a democracy, so you need to VOTE. So, who do I think you should vote for...

Well, let's see, I am a woman, I have children and a marriage, a person who believes in the rights of others, I believe that human should come before anything else, I believe in supporting people who need it and I believe in accountability, I just hate cheating. I believe in values and the four basic freedoms. I believe in the freedom of speech, the freedom of religion, the freedom from fear and the freedom from want. I think that they belong in a certain order, 4,3,2 and then 1. But that is my opinion. I am a social worker, a bleeding heart, throw money at the problem social worker. I believe in rights and independence.

So who am I telling you to vote for:

Wait for it...

God.

I do care who will be president, but I will not tell you how to vote. I will just hope that who ever you vote for, that you pray that this person is a person of God. That God is the one who is truly guiding this person in all of their decisions that impact the world, this country, this state and most importantly your community and your home.

We will not be voting on election day. I have already voted and Steve will be absentee ballot, because we will be at the hospital. Steve will be in surgery to have his femur bone reconnected surgically.

VOTE, VOTE and VOTE.

And in between that, pray for us, for safety and recovering.

Trick or Treat

2008-11-02T07:35:00.004-05:00

We all know this phase, it has been said in my house for the past few days. We went to several community ones and in our own neighborhood. I love trick or treating, because it is fun to watch my two children dress up. And luckily we have a few costumes (welcome to a house of girls with dress up clothes), we did not have to spend a dime. I keep costumes from last year and over the past year, friends have handed down dress up clothes, so we were all set. We were even little divas, we had wardrobe changes! And I love the reaction, the girls who love the decorations, admire what others have done and their manners when someone gives them a treat. In my house, it sounds like this "trick or treat" "thank you". By the 10th house, no prompting was needed! And then the reaction of others, commenting on how adorable my babies are. Yes, they are! And of course my neighbors have a bad habit of spoiling my children, gift cards for toys, card games and pixie dust necklaces and special treats. Made me want to run home and change into a cute and adorable costume... And I did get a strawberry margarita from across the street. So all in all we had a great time!

Alas, I can not just write about this. I must fall into some weird and crazy thoughts that I have been carrying around with me.

Maybe life is a just a big trick or treat. We always have a choice, do we create a life full of tricks or treats or do we all the life to be created for us? I believe that it is all in your perspective. You can look outside at dusk and you can see two or three loose pieces of trash in the street, the leaves piling on the lawn as they have been falling off the tree all day, the chill in the air and think "this is awful, it is getting dark so early, it is getting cold and this place is awful, no one takes care of the area." Or you can look outside on the same day, the same street, the same house and see all of the same things and think "look at this glorious place, the sun is setting creating a glow in the sky, the leaves are creating a carpet of colors on the ground and the chill in the air makes home seem so warm and inviting." (and you pick up the trash in the street, because someone should)

Perspective. That is all. Yes, I know what you might be thinking, this is coming from the lady who was moaning and crying last blog. Yep, I was. I try really hard to have a positive perspective. However, sometimes I just need to stop and have a sad moment (or three days but who is counting) and then regroup.

My goal for the past year has been to not just act and behave with positive perspective, but to think and react in positive ways. I like to make goals for myself each year, because I believe that we always have room to grow. I love, just love, how when one is very serious about a life change, the universe comes and has obstalces, so that you can practice your new skill. Fun huh? So, this year has been full of possible negative things. However, I am trying to see it all in perspective. Yes, what has happened as been challenging, but it is so rewarding in so many other ways. I am choosing to see the treat versus the trick.

My husband is alive and will have a full recovery, with different strengths and different endurance vs. my husband broke both of his legs and is struggling to walk again and our lives will never be the same.

My husband is able to change jobs, finding a job that fit his personality better and a company that maintains and lives our value system vs. he got screwed. (okay this one is hard, he did get SCREWED).

Our life is filled with so many generous and caring people who have reached out to us in some many amazing and wonderful ways, which help us change our spending habits and be grateful for what we have vs. he was screwed by the company and now we are struggling to pay our bills.

My family is bonding, the three of them have created this connection from the days that they are together all day, my youngest (who was very Mommy oriented) is now just loving her daddy and asking him for help with all kinds of things vs. because my husband lost his job, we are not able to afford day care full time and they have to be home with no friends to play with.

We need extra money and I will be a supervisor and a presenter, which both affords me some extra money, I hope enough to help us and starts me on a professional goal that I have had in mind and was going to do in a few years, but now I can now. A door closes and God opens a window. vs. I have to work more because my husband can't because of his legs and the company screwed him.

Okay, so what is my secret? Amazing people in my life, who love me no matter what mood I am in. My best friend is my husband. I do truly want to love my life, no matter what. I know how to take care of myself and work to do just that each day. And GOD. God has been such a welcome presence in my life.

Trick or Treat?

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
– Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"Believe that you can do it, under any circumstances. Because if you believe you can, then you really will. That belief just keeps you searching for the answers, then pretty soon you get it."
– Wally "Famous" Amos

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33

Trick or Treat?

Treat Please!

Chocolate anyone?

2008-10-26T20:57:00.003-04:00

***Warning*** I am crazy emotional today and I am just going to get it out of my system. If you are not in the mood to hear me whine... then stop now because it is a pity party...

If you want to join the pity party , grab the chocolate!

I feel sad and overwhelmed, I know that we will be okay one day. But I don't know when that one day is and I don't know what is going to happen in the mean time. I don't want to shut off our cable, I don't want to cancel our cell phones, I don't want to cancel my planned trip to Myrtle Beach in December (my mom lives there and I was not able to go because of Steve's accident in the summer, so I really want to for the holidays). I just don't want to.

I will, if I have to , I just don't want to.

I am not asking for anyone of you to send me money, or gas cards or any of that, this is not a plea for help, this is just an old fashioned pity party.

I have been sad for the past two days for really small reasons. I had some jewelry sitting in my box, just sitting there, adn I decided to sell it because the price of gold is strong and I thought that I would help. I sold two rings, three pendents and one necklage. Things I don't wear anymore, but it was hard. It is like I am saying the life of luxury is over. I sold them because my wedding ring needs to be fixed and we just don't have the money. I got $55 for all of that gold (I will not tell you how much each item was individually) and it will cost $175 to fix my ring (the prongs holding my diamond are bent and the whole head needs to be replaced). I asked for an even trade, I will sell you all of this gold and you fix my ring?! Nope.

And that little piece of news started the pity party. I don't care about selling my jewelry that much. It was old stuff that I have not worn in years. But my wedding ring is very important to me. I now have six pieces that are very important to me adn they each represent my family, so I just had to fix my wedding ring, because it is so meaningful to me.

Trust me, if this made me sad, cancelling cable will just piss me off.

My last post was about being spoiled, I said all of that with some laughter. Now I am emotional and upset, I am spoiled, I LIKE being spoiled.

So... pity party over.

Please don't feel like you need to help me, I love that others have been helping so much, I really do. I feel torn, about hte gracious adn the compassion of others and the "I am not worthy" feeling that we have. We will be okay, it is a long fall from spoiled to the "b" word (budget, people, not that other word). And quite frankly,we are being dragged kicking adn screaming. I am not saying any of this to get you or anyone to save us, or bail us out. Honest, I don't want anyone to rescue us, I just wanted to be sad and have a pity party.

If you feel a need to do something, pray, send chocolate, drop donuts off at the front door, you know that sort of "let's support the pity party" and the "spoiled family who can't handle reality"!

Thanks for coming to my party... come by my house and I will give all participants a brownie, if there are any left....

Thanks be to God, who will guide us, shelter us and love us.

You know you are spoiled when...

2008-10-24T21:28:00.003-04:00

I like comedy and I like to laugh, luckily I have a job that provides me with hours of entertainment (I swear you can not make up some of the stuff that I see and hear) and my family is just as amusing and silly, which is wonderful for me. I find humor in most things, which is why I believe that I am handling things really well, because I am not afraid to laugh at my life, my family and myself.

Side note: one of our students had a birthday this week, and her friends made her a cake and brought it in for her to celebrate. The kids invited staff because we work really hard on relationships, and we were all invited to have cake. So, they started to sing to their friend and they forgot the words to happy birthday. Yep, that is right, Happy Birthday. You know, the really complicating one where you sing the same verse three times and then sing it again... Yes folks, this is where I work. Trust me, I laughed and laughed about this all day!

Anyways... Jeff Foxworthy. He is a very funny man and likes to poke fun at life and his life and he has a skit called "you might be a redneck if..." Check out his stuff if you need a chuckle! But he is my inspiration for this blog.

Okay, not yet, hang on. I am so verbal, I feel like I have to explain and help you understand the back story in order to understand why I am saying this...

Steve is the youngest of six boys, his father worked two jobs to support his family and his mom was everything in the family. She raised six boys, took care of the house and preformed daily miracles. They paid the bills and they made sure that the family ws taken care of. They always had meals and they had to share bedrooms. Things were tight, but they had a place up north, so they had some family vacations, but it was a family owned home, so it was all done by them, food, cleaning etc. Anyways, the point is that Steve grew up without a lot of money and has been working hard as an adult to get what he wants. He bought his own vehicles, paid for his own schooling, paid for his own hobbies. And now he has been working to support his family and have enough money to play. Until Now. And for Now.

Me, I was raised by a single parent, I have an older brother. We really struggled at times, my mom had two jobs at times to support us, my father did not pay child support, unfortunately. We were not poor but we were not middle class. I did not know that we were poor, be cause my mom had this attitude. This we are going to make it out of this and we are going to be better. She emphasized education and valued intelligence, respect and responsibility. She use to say that you can be poor but that did not mean that you had to be trash. I use to go dumpster diving when I was younger. Now don't get all gross on me, we lived in an apartment complex that was behind a low end clothing store, so they threw out clothes that they could not sell because of stains, holes, seams torn, etc. My poor mother got many "fixed" clothing, because I would find something for her and fix it up, with dye or needle and thread. Needless to say, it was hard sometimes, but we always had eachother, we had love laughter and joy.

When I was on my own, I struggled too, I was in my master's program and I was trying so hard to be fully independent. But I could not afford school, rent and food. So I lost a lot of weight because I had to choose. And rent and tuition won.

So this is the back ground story to how dedicated Steve and I are to be spoiled. To have money, to spend money, to have things, toys, food, money in the bank... all of that. I am really crazy about having food in the house. I like having food, I love coming home to have dinner ready to make because there is stuff in the house to make it. IN fact right now I am sitting here eating nilla wafers as I type this. Yum.

You know you are spoiled when...
... you sit in the driveway in the car because the fuel tank is on E and you just don't what to do next, because somebody else fills it up.
... your husband breaks his legs and the neighbor has to cut the grass because you don't know how, nor do you want to.
... you are planning dinner and it involves which restaurant to go to.
... you don't have to do laundry for three weeks because you have so many clothes.
... you drive by a store, and you buy something, and feel good because it was on sale, never mind the fact that "sale" never means "free."
... when you have to fire the nanny because she let your two year old hit sand when they were outside.
... you don't do the dinner dishes and when you get up in the morning, they are done.
... So very clean and great smelling and it is not of my doing.
... people are buying the children things and you think "where's mine"
... you take the garbage can to the curb and you pause and wait for the applause.
... your shoes have a scuff on them, so you replace them for better ones.
... you can easily whip together a play date with crafts with all of the things you have at home, because that is how much craft stuff you have at home.
... you wake up to the smell of coffee.
... you get home from a long day at work and you get the best two hugs and applause and laughter just for walking in the door.

Okay, some are true, some are not, except the last one. That is my favorite part of my day.

So, I am trying to put a positive spin on all of this, and it helps. I keep thinking that we are not going to struggle, we are going to be less spoiled. Steve and I became comfortable. Enjoyed our jobs (most days) and liked going out when we wanted to, or heading over the store to pick up a few items. Or me, I LOVE a good bargain. I love to grocery shop, I love not worrying about gas prices, I buy what I need when I need it. But right now, for now, these days are over. A student asked me yesterday if they could borrow five dollars from me, for lunch. And I laughed. Yea right kid, I don't have money, I brought my lunch.

Someone texted me the other day and I was counting the number of characters because we reduced our plan for our cell phones. We are not ready to give them up, but we changed plans and it does not include texting.

We still have cable and Internet access, so we are still a little spoiled.

We are working to be less spoiled, to be smart with our money, to understand that when it is gone, it is gone. We have charge card debt from before (again we were LIVING and not caring!) But we are no longer living near our standards. We are living below our means, so that we will be okay. Because we don't know what tomorrow brings. Right now we are okay, not spoiled, but okay.

I am not asking anyone else to send us anything. We are okay. We have been receiving so many gifts, little ones, big ones and all in between. Uncanny and right on point gifts. Like a gift card to Costco when we needed diapers. A gift card to Target when the weather is turning and the girls need boots. A visa card when we are going out of town for a presentation that helped with gas, food and some fun for the girls. A check, a few checks in fact, that will go into our savings account, so when Steve is on unemployment (which is a third of his pay) we can still pay for what we need. A phone call from a student who is asking for support services and willing to pay for them. A presentation which allowed me to earn my needed hours for my license for free.

We are quickly and begrudgingly learning the difference between what we need and what we want. I am sighing now. A very heavy sigh, because I like the life where we get what we want, and not just what we need. So sad. But I am so very grateful that I know, I mean Really Know that we will also get what we need. God has been so gracious, so strong and so supportive, He has been speaking to all of you to help us in the ways that you do best. Thank you and Thank God for getting what we need.

PS., I will dream of my wants... and one day, yes one day, I will get what I want!

Right now, I will take peace in the idea that what I need is safety, determination, strength, love and most certainly laughter.

May God grant you all of your fondest wishes and may you never have to choose between what you want and what you need!

Do I know you?

2008-10-19T14:48:00.004-04:00

Okay, so now I am famous, completely and utterly famous. And I quote "one of the best presentations all weekend." That's right, that is what was said. For those that I were friends with yesterday, I am sorry, but I may have to re-evaluate your credentials, because I have been launched into stardom. I am sought after, I am the best thing to hit the field of social work. They will be whispering my name in awe for years. Excuse me, are you talking to me, do I know you?

Okay, let's come back to reality, that was one person, and who knows what other presentation she attended, it could have been "how to arm wrestle the defiant child to the ground with out injury..." To think that mine was the best... compared to....

I think that it helped that mine was one of the LAST presentations, so when I was done, it was almost over, were they clapping because I was so good or because the three days of the conference were over....

And honestly, I am not that famous, because I could not get my family into our hotel until 4:15pm, when it was promised to be ready by 12, so my very smart husband, gave my babies cookies and toys and parked himself in the lobby for all to see and hear. That worked faster than name dropping my self and wearing my "PRESENTER" tag.

While I was on a break between conferences, Erica went in her diaper (in the lobby and I could smell it from down the hall) and INSISTED that I changed it (and I am not talking pee here people).

So maybe just maybe I gave a 90 minute presentation, at least one person like it, and I have not been launched into stardom as of yet?!

One evaluation said that the material was good, but that I was a bit too sarcastic and used too much humor.

Huh? I mean I am sarcastic and funny, but too much... interesting. And I toned it down for the presentation, goodness knows what I would do, if that person read this blog... just think of what they would say... ouch.

But, all in all, it went well. I really liked it and I did get some good feedback. And I will be applying to do more conferences, because this might be something that I can do to help my family. I did not get paid for this one, but I got other things in return. And I can get paid eventually. God always opens a door, doesn't he?

Now I pray that he will open one for my husband, because he needs a door right now. Or at least a break, and I mean something more than his bones...

So it is over, and I feel energized. Like it really meant something. And I have learned, really learned, that I have these feelings, they are not my gut, they are His words in my heart. So I will be listening and following. I am ready to go where God needs me to be.

So, please if you have something that I gave you once, a recipe, a baked good, a thank you letter, and you sell it on ebay or craig's list for millions, please remember that I deserve a cut of the proceeds. Because it is my name that you are selling. Thank you. And with Steve out of work, someone needs to rake in the dough right. You all can call him Kendra's husband now, his name does not even matter...

Crap, that was sarcastic, wasn't it?! Again.

And if you feel a need to evaluate my post, only positive feed back please! I need my head to be larger than life for a few more days!

And I slept and slept last night. For once! Hooray!

Is this good news?

2008-10-16T20:10:00.002-04:00

First and foremost, let me say AGAIN, thank you. We are feeling so blessed and so fortunate by the amazing little gifts that we are receiving, email prayers, thoughtful cards, wonderful messages. We love the support and the guidance. We feel surrounded. And a little note came in the mail, with a incredible generous gift card to Costco. I have been trying to tell my little Erica that we could not afford diapers, so she HAD to be potty trained. Because we all needed to sacrifice, including her. But, alas, this has not worked and she still is wearing diapers and we received a gift card for Costo from someone (hidden identity) and we bought Diapers, Juice, and cereal, all because you have to put something in the diapers. Thank you to our sneaky friends. I have my suspensions and here they are:

Gift card#1: I think that my lovely crystal chick was behind it. but I am not telling if they are not!
Gift Card #2: I think that we have been getting about four little blessings each day(or more). But this is just my train of thought.

There are not enough words for our gratitude and we are so blessed. We pray for you and you and you.

Now for the "good" or "bad" news. Steve saw his surgeon on Wednesday, he is not progressing, he is not regressing. His bones are not in the right position for the time frame. He is not doing anything wrong, nor is he not doing something enough. His bones are just not healing on track. This is a little concerning, because they need to heal on a certain schedule for a full recovery. So, his surgeon ordered him a bone growing machine. Don't ask, I have no idea. He will be going on Monday to get it fitted and then learn how to use it. He will have to put this wrap on this break site (which is three sites in total because he broke five bones in three sites) for about 20 minutes each site. This should help. If not, he may need to have surgery again. He has a bone ledge in his thigh that is nearly disconnected and shifting, so this will also be monitored, if it does not adjust properly, it will have to be removed. I love this watch and wait game. But it looks like he will have to have surgery for his thigh, and a wait and see for the other sites.

This should not set him back. But it certainly is changing things.

He is still job hunting and trying to be optimistic. He was approved for unemployment, which is good and will start in November, I hope. It is 1/3 of his pay, but we will get by.

Well, we go tomorrow to Grand Rapids to speak... I am very nervous, but I think that I will just do this. If it goes well, I might be able to speak at a few more conferences, and earn some extra money. Which would really help. I just have to get through Saturday... ugh.

Pray for Steve's legs.

Pray for my voice (did I mention that I am sick, of course) and my confidence.

And we will pray for you and your family.

There is joy in the journey

Before my brain turns to mush... thank you

2008-10-10T21:57:00.004-04:00

We received a gift card in the money, sent secretly to us. I wish that I could thank this person. I found this to be so generous and oddly enough, Steve and I were talking about what to do when we become stable financially. One of the things that we said is that we would help out families anonymous with gift cards. And then the next day someone did it to us. God and friends work in mysterious ways. So, whoever you are. Thank you. Very much.

We are going to Grand Rapids for my presentation. And the committee was generous enough to pay for our hotel room and reimbursement us for mileage. We were going to use this as a mini vacation, since so much was already paid for. The hotel has a pool and the children's museum is near by and Steve wants to take the girls to see the salmon jumping in the river.

So because of this gift card, we can take care of some things that we need to do, both cars need minor repairs, but we put off because of money and now we can AND we get to go out to dinner while on our mini vacation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And speaking of thank you's, My lovely Krystle send me a package of my favorite high school candies. What kind of person remembers after 20 years what your favorite candy is? My favorite kind of person... I love Krystle, even though we are not in touch like I want to be and it is mostly my fault, because I tend to move in and out of my life on a daily basis, getting through each day with my list of priorities and I am saddening to say that friends don't get my time and energy that they deserve.

And Thank you to Julia, who did not send Steve candies, but something more appropriate for him, supplements that are geared towards getting his system in order, remove that very tired bug out of his body... which continues to complicate his energy and recovery. Next time, Juls, could you send the supplements dipped in chocolate?! You know, the best of both worlds...

I KNOW that there are people out there who love us, who are generous and thoughtful with us and never ever expect us to pay them back. These are my kind of people. I love my friends, my family and even though our live is crazy, I am learning to adjust and love my life and cherish all that we have, because it could be worse.

And when we can, we will pay it forward. With prayers, with hope and with secret stashes of candy and just in time generous gift cards.

And by the way... the count down is happening... my presentation is in one week. I am almost ready, I have been practicing my "professional" hair style, I have picked out my "take me seriously" outfit, and I swear that I will have the actual presentation done by Friday... and if not, I will be typing as we drive... eek! And the coordinator notified me today that my presentation is at full capacity. Are these people crazy?! Don't they know that I have NO idea what I am doing!

So, send me my favorite chocolates... and send me all of your presentation nuggets for me by Friday...

Steve is doing better, he took the girls on a school field trip Friday, walked alot with assistance, he is slow but getting stronger. He was really tired afterwards but his strength is gaining. Well, he was more than tired, could not move on Friday night. Then on Saturday, he took the girls to the zoo so that I could work on my presentation... and he and the girls were wiped out when they came back. But so was I, because I just might be done!

And we were approved for unemployment, as long as he is job searching, we should receive unemployment for the next few months. It is less than 1/3 of his salary, but it is better than the alternative, which is zero. We have created the Budget of all Budgets! And we refuse to allow these issues to slow us down. Steve has decided to make the biggest sacrifice and sell his truck. I stay out of this decision, because it is his to make, he knows that we can not replace it for a long time. I am not sure it will sell in this economy... but if it does, even more of a help with bills and savings for any troubled days.

So, we will share sundaes, walk to the store, get books from the library, return bottles to get more pop, and count our blessings... And pray. Because that is free to do and always seems to appreciate in value.

Rainy Days

2008-10-05T15:44:00.004-04:00

I started this blog to connect with all of the people who are in our lives and wanted to find a way to help us when Steve was in the hospital and coming home still in significant recovery. And then he started to do well and it became a forum to me to discuss all of my craziness. So... I will no longer be emailing my posts to others, this will be the last one. This is so, you don't have to read my blog, my rambling crazy blog, where I discuss my thoughts and my fears. Or you can. It will be your choice. All of a sudden, I have been feeling like I am telling too much...
So in my crazy mind, I will continue to say insane things, vent and rant, pray and laugh, but on my own. But of course, if I don't email my post, you will not read it right?!

On that note, Steve is doing well. He is walking more and more without assistance, he has a hitch in his step, which is odd to watch and causes pain towards the end of the day. He is trying to walk normal, but that is hard for him, it takes thought and effort and patience, all of which he claims he is not good at. He continues to have therapy 2-3 times a week, focusing on rebuilding his muscles, his legs are thin and weak, which is unusual because Steve has always been known for his strong and muscular legs. His knees are in rough shape, because not only were they damanged in the accident, but the rods for his broken bones were pushed through his knees, this is what causes him the most pain. His circulation is still poor, he is very cold most of the time, so we are working at keeping him warm in a season that is not warm. He will be trying to wear some special socks to move his circulation, hopefully that will help. Emotionally, he is stressed, not about recovery, but about money. We are not sure how to find a job outside of his field, he is a good man, and always had it in the back of his mind, that if he got laid off, he could do something physical for a while, to put money in the bank, and right now, this is just not possible. He is not restricted too much for a desk job, but he is for a standing, labor and walking job.

And honestly, Steve and I are spoiled, very very spoiled. We don't do no money well. We like money, like to have it adn like the freedom that it provided. We were not rich, prior to this, we were comfortable. We could not buy everything taht we wanted, but we could go out to dinner if we wanted to.

The other night, we needed to get out, a wonderful friend sent us gift card to Big Boy (THANK YOU), and we have $6 left on the cards. So we went and as a family split a sundae and a cinnamon roll. We had two dollars for the tip. It was great for the girls, they loved it was really cool and great to share. We thought, "this sucks". It was our wedding anniversary and we wanted to celebrate it some how.

And honestly, it is romantic to share your dessert with your man, feeding eachother and looking lovingly in his eyes.

But to share a cinnamon roll with your two year old who wipes her stickiness on your pants as she looks lovingly in your eyes... not the same feeling. We did sit across from each other and look longingly into each other eyes, but I don't think out of love, I think out of silliness and humor.

If you don't laugh, you cry, right?!

But this is a lesson for us, and we intend to learn from it. When we are able to, we will put more money away for an emergency. Thanks to generous people, we have about one month of bills saved up. So, if the worst happens, we can pay our bills without fail for one month. When we get out of this, I will be putting away at least three months worth. Because this is scary. However, we are not in terrible trouble yet, because we still have cable, we still have cell phones and internet access. These things will go before our house does.

So, my children know what the "b" word is and in church today we talked about worries and my wise little girl said outloud "I don't have any worries." So a major accident, a dad in the hospital for one month, dad losing his job and money is being watched and she has nothing to worry about. I say that we are doing okay. "Don't worry about anything, Pray about everything."

After every major storm, there is a rainbow, which is a promise from God that He will always take care of us, through each storm. I don't see that rainbow yet, but I just know that it will be on the horizon. Good thing we have you, our lovely support system to act as our umbrella.

Speaking of Storms and Rainy days. I am walking next weekend for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. This is the Out of the Darkness walk and I would love your financial support, if you can. This money does not go to our family, this money goes to support programs for people who are depressed and suicidial. We want to support these programs, so that they can continue to save lives. My site is:

Please consider giving, if you can. The girls and I will be walking. In case that you can get there from this link, please log on to www.outofthedarkness.org and seach for me or my team Allen Park Community. I would love your support.

Come along for the ride

2008-09-28T15:29:00.005-04:00

So here is how my brain works... I have not been sleeping well for a long time. I would say for about two years. I get sleep some nights and some nights I don't. I don't have insomnia, I don't feel a strong desire to get out of bed, I am just not sleep, my brain moves and thinks and some days I don't seem to have to ability to shut it off. And guess what, the stress in my life as really impacted my ability to sleep. I am so tired and yet I can't sleep well. What has become typical for me is to sleep for an hour and then awake and thinking, back to sleep and then awake. I cycle through this about four or five times a night, so I am awake about every two hours or so. So during one of these nights, I am thinking about Steve, how to help him, what happened to him with work, should we sue or not, and a carnival theme. I just know what you are thinking, a what?! I will explain, why a carnival theme. Come along for the ride...

At the school that I work at, we had a homecoming parade with the theme of (drum roll) a carnival. We entered a float in to the contest. There were a lot of really neat floats, and I do love a carnival and a parade, so we had fun. Usually it ends up being 10 students and staff that make this happen. Did I mention that I work for a high school with at risk students? They are not connected to their community, to their school and at times, not even connected to themselves. So, only 10-20 students helping is normal, even thought there are about 160 in our program. But we try, we, as a staff, try really hard to connect the students, to build relationships and to show them that someone somewhere cares about what happens to them today and tomorrow. It is not always easy to put the relationship and the compassion ahead of the consequences and the discipline, but we try.

Yep, that is right, my brain thought about how fun it would be to interwove all of these themes. I don't know, I am weird, I admit that, but goodness this was just strange. I can't shake this feeling that we are walking (or limping) through a fun house, with all kinds of twists and turns. The fake mirrors that make you smaller than a two year or as big as a giant. And the way out is a secret, one wrong turn and you are horribly lost. And for fun, let's add in some scary creatures to jump out at you when you least expect it. And then they build fake doors that led to no where but you can't turn around and go the way you came. Hate that. When Steve got laid off, I was mad because I felt that the people in charge could not prevent the lay off, but they could have opened a door for him. They could have let him know, rather than let us get even more lost in the maze. They could have told him to stay on medical, denied him returning part time, make him stay on the full recommended leave. That would have opened a wall in that maze, that would have given us direction. I am trying to not be angry about this, but when I watch my husband struggle daily with his strength, knowing he is not ready to be on his feet quite yet.

And I think about me and my job and my staff and how no matter how difficult the kid is, we have limits, but we have compassion. This world, this life of ours is a maze in a fun house, full of sights, sounds, not knowings, fake doors, distortion, fun and laughter. We all need the people around us to help us through this crazy fun house, not push us further in. This week alone I work with students that make it hard to have compassion for, they are very difficult, but they deserve a chance to find their way out of their fun house. This is what I think when I think about Steve's bosses, where they leave their compassion, what caused them to forget about it.

And the other thing that runs in my mind late at night is that I am like that punching bag, the one that gets knocked over with any level of force but then pops right back up. That is what I feel like, I get knocked over but I get right back up. "Come on, is that all you have!"

Yes, this is what I am thinking about when I should be sleeping.

Weird, huh? I love analogies and stories, I think that analogies can give someone else a visual of what you mean, when you are talking about abstract things like feelings. Nothing describes how I feel better than when I say that I am horribly lost in a scary unfun fun house, with the loud obnoxious music, so I can't get my bearings.

Oh, don't worry, I will get us out, because no matter how big the fun house maze is, God is always talking me through. Or maybe God is the one to plant this image in my brain, saying, "have some fun with it." I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. I mean he made man first right, that's funny.

And I am taking a total detour now... the judges were walking by and I decided to talk to them about our float. My principal is our spokesperson most of the time for most things, but I know how to relate, so I took this job on, because she was sitting and looked tired (here comes that compassionate thing). So I talked and explained. We discussed how we were dressed as clowns because we are the at risk school, just a bunch of clowns right?! Ha ha ha. He looked at me and said with full seriousness, "please don't do that, these kids need your help, they need a future and you need to help them. Don't teach them to be clowns."

Huh? I guess he does not know exactly what we do. When he walked away one of the teachers stated "well right when I was going to teach them to juggle on Monday."

Did I mention that the juniors and their class sponsers made a whack a mole float, do you think that they will be in trouble for whacking their students? Gosh, I hope not. Think about how wrong that must be.

And I wonder why my brain is so crazy, I can't make this stuff up. I am surrounded by craziness. Anyways, back to the topic.

So, in my awake life, we went to the float parade and saw a penguin dressed up as a clown, a carousel, a whack a mole game and a lazy river ride. I love the creativity that goes into this, it is fun to see and watch. No fun house though... thank goodness, because I might have taken a hammer to it and tore it apart with my bare hands. And my daughter asked the best questions "why are we doing this?" "Because" I answer "we are cheering on the team, we want them to win today." "Oh," she says simply, "who is cheering us on? Because we need to win."

Yes we do, my little darling, yes we do.

Well, welcome to my fun house. I will give you a map and lots of choices, because I wish for you to have fun and laughs. And quite frankly everyone needs a little direction now and again.

May God bless you, keep you from harm and steer you in the right direction.

Kendra

The B Word

2008-09-21T17:55:00.004-04:00

I work with a bunch of teenagers and I will be the first to admit that when I am at work, there are many words thrown around the place that don't cause me to flinch anymore. I am getting use to slang, which means using inappropriate words in appropriate ways. Certain "bad" words become adjectives. And sadly, when I correct the student, they are not sure what they said. Certain words have become part of their every day talk. I never thought that I would say "back in my day..." but when it comes to language, I found that I have been saying just that. "Back in my day, if we even thought that... we would be escorted out of the building." There are a few that I say "whoo" at, but for the most part, these words become part of the background noise, like the swoosh from the vents. I know that I should correct their language, and I do, it just moves past me without much of a reaction. When someone else is around, like a parent, I become more aware of the impact that certain words leave. I work with the students to change their language, to be more verbal, more powerful with their words rather than resorting to "those" words. I think that language can be very powerful, when used properly. But certain words always leave a mark, no matter who you are.

At home, things are much different. At home, even the slightest bossy or condensing tone catches my attention and sets my skin on fire. My four year old said "damn it" and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Needless to say, she was immediately corrected and held accountable. She has not said it since. I try to teach values and expressive language. My children talk alot, they have things to say and I respect and accept affective language, I don't even mind when they have an opinion, but certain words, certain phrases should not be verbalized. I don't have to tell you what they are, do I?!

But between my husband and I, most recently with all of these problems and stresses that we have had, we have been using the "b" word. I know what you are thinking, "you are saying what?!" Yes, we have. We have to, we have been through so much, it is as if we have no other choice. It is applicable to what we have been talking about. In fact, yesterday on TV (not cable) many people were saying it, I am not justifying it, I am just saying, it was said out loud and without a flinch. But us, it seems to be on our minds, we have talked about it, we have said it, we have even taught the definition to our children, so that they can understand what it means and why we said it. I find myself thinking it, stating it and even praying about it. That word, the tiny little six letter word. How can one word have such power, such meaning. This little word, this powerful word has been causing controversy in the media, in the homes, between people. And I admit, it has crippled us in some ways. I find myself thinking about it, planning for it and even I use it in discussions with Steve. When I have been creating the list for groceries, the B word just comes flying out of my mouth. Craving ice cream from dairy queen, and we don't go, because the B word zooms around the house. I put a hole in my new dress socks... yep you got it. "B" Word. We say it quietly with resentment and bitterness, we say it loudly, as if to see if it really can be said. I am finding ways to make sure that I see black with the "b" and not red.

I never thought I would obsess about this word, or any word for that matter.

Please pray for us as we work through this, has we learn the important of being, of having, of you know, a "b".

I just hate being on a "budget" don't you. What? What word did you think I was talking about?!

The other word that has been tossed around has been the "d" word. Do I have to spell that one out for you too?

P.S. I read this to Steve and says that he does not know what the fuss is all about, I am not funny. Sad for him, I control the "B" in this house!!

May God bless you and your family, with the humor and cushion to get through all of lives challenges and changes. And may your "b" be in the black at the end.

Thank you's

2008-09-20T20:38:00.005-04:00

I need to blog a thank you, a very big and monstrous thank you from the Linn Family. But I want to remind you that my "Let's Make a Deal" blog is one that you have to check out. We need to exchange toys....

What a few months we have had, and more importantly, the past week has been overwhelming on each level of our life. However so many people have prayed for us and have given us their words of encouragement, wisdom and shared their own experiences of heart aches to help us through this time. Thank you so very much. It is all working, Steve has so many ideas of what he might need to do next. I feel as if we are living in a protected bubble, that we are going to be okay and safe and we will get through all of this. Many of talked with him about job leads, training leads and even offers of recommendations for him. Thank you.

He went to the races today. Yep, I said it outloud, the Races. I know what you are thinking, okay, so I don't but I knew what I was thinking. You are going WHERE?! He reassured me that he was going to watch the races, not drive in them. Besides, he said, I don't have a boat anymore, remember?! Yeah, like that would stop him. I am sure that if he asked, NO ONE at that race would let him drive. I am sure that all you race boat owners, would say... "now Steve do you think this is what is best." If he asked, you would say, "hell ya, get er done!" Luckily he did not ask any of you. Okay he asked Joe Tate and he said yes, he could. But Steve is not ready to get back in physically. Not YET. He will, trust me.

Don't ask me. My feelings are pretty clear. He "needs" to go out differently. He misses it. Alot. He has been involved in racing for over 20 years and he does not want to leave the sport with the last thing he did was leave in a stretcher and an ambulance. I think that... well let's just say that my children might read this blog one day, so I will not say what I am really thinking. I will say I love my husband and I want to support him for most everything. Most Everything. I take death do us part seriously, I would hate to have to kill him.

Whoo, I should not put that in writing should I. Sometimes I forget that my inside voice types faster than my outside voice.

What I meant to say is that I love him, I take death do us part seriously and I would hate for anything to happen to him. Yeah, that is what I meant. Besides, I have a difficult time with him healing because of his injuries. I would maybe break a finger to make my point. You can't steer if your hand is in a cast right.

Wait, I shouldn't say this either, should I. Crap.

Okay I mean to say that if he tries to get back into a boat, he might accidentally get run over by a bike in our driveway. Because, accidents happen. Right. That is it, if he gets into a boat again, Accidents happen.

Seriously, people calm down, I won't really do it. I am in support of him loving the sport and even being involved in the sport, I know that many people are big fans of racing and they should be, it is an amazing sport to watch. But this scared me and I am afraid to lose him. Period.

Anyways, I digress. As usual.

He went to the races and said that he was welcomed and cheered and so many people came up to him to talk to him, to ask about him. He felt supported and cared for. Thank you for doing that. He has a bit of a reputation of being a jerk and a hot head in the racing world. I would not know WHY he does (that is such a long story and I am sad to say, probably deservedly so, I will tell you later!). So he actually felt popular. But then he said that the second most popular person was... (drum role)... ME! Me! So many of you talked about the blog and what a wonderful writer I am. Thank You so much. I could not have done with this without my family. I have always wanted to be a writer, so this honor means so much for me. I want to start with thinking my husband, who had the foresight to break both of his legs in five places and be in the hospital for nearly a month and then get laid off. Without him, I would have never been inspired to write. Oh, Wait, you are not giving me an award. Darn it. Never mind.

In all seriousness, thank you so very much. The Racers are been so generous with their time, thoughtfulness and gifts of wisdom and prayers. Many of you have helped Steve in many ways. Thank you. There was a donation collected in August, I hope that you know how much that was appreciated. We are touched with how many of you gave to us. There are not enough words to say thank you. Bob and Ray have been amazing to Steve, visiting him and calling him, thank you for that, it lifted Steve up so much. Jim and Julia, who have done so much for us in the past and most recently continues to be a source of encouragement and wisdom. Dave and Heather, who made sure that a prayer was said every day, reminding us of our blessings and gifts. The Tate Family has gone out of their way to reach out to Steve and then at the race, gave us money, a generous amount. Tate family, we don't know how to say thank you with the gracious that the gift was given. Please know that we are so very thankful and so very blessed by this gift. Thank you for all of your gifts, whether they are money, time, friendship, advice or prayers. Each is meaningful and powerful. thank you.

Okay, now as you reflect on your own lives and you feel that we are the right family to give money to daily or monthly, that would be great. Steve would never have to work again, if you would just send us $1 a day. The price of a cup of coffee could save a life in the Linn house. JUST KIDDING!!! We are okay. Not Great, not going anywhere fun for a while, there goest Disney... And I have to put off buying shoes (which sucks). But we have enough for the things that we need. Not wants but need, and that is what is most important. The money that has been given so far, has gone into a savings account, just in case, Steve needs more time to heal and is without a job for over six months.

Remember, exchange toys with me, go to my Blog about "make a deal"...

May God bless you, as He closes a door in one part of your life, may He open a small window for you.

thank you.

Kendra

Let's play Make a Deal

2008-09-20T14:33:00.004-04:00

Okay, I KNOW that it is only September, but I am already thinking about Christmas and what the girls would like and how in the world are we going to afford it. We will be okay, we will not lose our house, we will have our cars, we will have food and our bills will be paid. Sadly, Christmas toys are not in the budget. So I was thinking... what about a big swap between families. I have some toys (see picture above) that the girls are no longer using. I would love to swap some toys for some of your toys. Wanna Play?!

Rules: Please make sure that all parts are there and it is good condition. Trust is utmost, if you say you will swap then let's do it. It would be sad to give up something and expect something and get nothing. But I am sure all of my friends are reading this.

Okay, let's play:

1) Up for bid I have a fancy Diego Laptop. Here is what Target says: • Diego's interactive laptop teaches children about letters, numbers and animal facts while exploring Diegos’ world
• Features 4 double-sided flipping pages, each with a different environment
• There are 3 modes of play: identify, quiz and rescue
• For ages 2 yrs. and up
• Batteries Included: 3 AA Batteries And it is cool. They like it, but they don't LOVE it. So Away it goes!!! It is worth brand new $30 and I think that it is in good condition... The above picture is not my item it is the advertised picture, but you can see mine. It is in good shape. $20 in cash or Dora the Explorer big back yard mega blocks!!!

2) VTech ABC Food Fun. This is a portable interactive fridge. It has three mode buttons and it is fun. Here is what Amazon says about it: Product Description
When it comes to learning, serve it up farm-stand fresh with ABC Food Fun. Chock full of brain-building fun, this nifty set is a new and innovative challenge for budding Einsteins. The set contains 26 food-shaped magnets that display a food's first letter, helping little ones to make important connections. And there's more than just letters -- ABC Food Fun dishes up important lessons in foods, colors, logic and more. Plus, youngsters will love having their own fridge that sticks right onto Mom and Dad's. Measures 5" x 7.5" x 1.6". Requires 2 "AA" batteries, included. Brand new $15 your price: Baby doll furniture (a stroller or a high chair for a baby)!!!

3) Elmo's World The great Outdoors DVD. Normally $10, your price Dora the Explorer Fairy Tale Adventures DVD

4) Barney Let's Play School DVD. Again, $10 in cash from the store or free with the exchange of Veggie Tales The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's

5) A mega bloks Transferring Timmy Truck that converts to three different vehicles and talks (fire truck, tow truck and dump truck). I am not sure if I have all of the same blocks, but I do have all of the parts of each truck.

6) Fisher Price Little People three level garage. This is a few years old and Fisher price has "updated" it so I did not find a picture. But you can see me, if you want to before you swap... This includes three vehicles, five people, 2a stop signs, a fast food menu and a helicopter. SWEET!!! It also has lots of buttons and makes lots of noise. It includes an elevator and gas pump.

7) Last and probably not least, I have a convertible crib, it is not in perfect condition, it is in used condition. but I am looking for a used, in decent condition, twin size bed frame. Erica is ready to take the next step in bed size... Oh Joy.

And of course, I am lots of unmatched socks, odd fitting clothes and misc puzzle pieces. Myself, I am willing to trade my "will fit one day" clothes for something cool.

Sounds fun right....

Okay, here is what I would love to trade for:

Dora the explorer Dollhouse
Dora DVD (check with me, we have some but there are always ones that we don't have)
Dora books
Dora the explorer doll
Okay, pretty much ANYTHING to do with Dora the Explorer. We have some stuff so, let me know what you want to part with and we will swap!
Gee can you tell we are on a Dora cult right now, ERICA.

Veggies Tales DVD (same as above)

Baby Doll furniture, stroller, high chair, changing table

Anything with Strawberry shortcake (Andrea). We have lots of books and a few movies and some toys, but she loves Strawberry shortcake.

Or heck, what do you want to get rid of, maybe we want it!!!

So, let me know what you have to trade.

I want to emphasize that I am NOT looking for donations, I am trying to exchange. I have that we are not using.. I thought that I would be practical and make some trades. A way to save money and get toys for Christmas.

I will keep cleaning my house and pony up some more!!!

Good Night

2008-09-19T22:19:00.002-04:00

I am just reading a few blogs with the intention of going to bed. I am tired. I don't need anyone to answer or feel sorry for me, I just want to say outloud that I am tired. I will be okay, we will be okay, but I am tired.

This journey has been life altering, in good and bad ways and it is not over and I am prepared to follow it to the end. But I am tired. Bone weary, eye hurting tired.

So much is relying on me to be strong, to be focused, to be in control, in charge and calm. So many need to me to be okay, because right now, I am the one in the my family who has full energy, full strength, and full emotions. But I am tired.

And Yet, I can't sleep. I find this interesting. Some days, when I can't sleep, I pray, for the people in my life, to make this journey safe and for sleep. Just a little sleep.

I always feel selfish, because so many people need so much, but if I just get some sleep then maybe I can continue to fight the fight, lead the journey and protect my family.

I believe that God has been invovlved in my life every day each moment and I am in awe of how much He is helping be That person that I need to be. Even though I am tired.

Life is not fair. I hope that Steve's company realizes that in one moment, they broke my broken healing husband, made him question what he is, forced him to start the process to recreate who he should be and made me tired.

I don't need comments, I want to be strong and brave and capable and inspiration. I want all of your to know and believe that I am. But right now I am just tired.

"Hold my hand God, Lead the way, Help me be good everyday, Let me know what's rong and right, Keep me safe all through the night, Let me know what you have planned, Lead me the way God, Hold my hand. Amen."

Good Night, I pray.

What was I thinking?!

2008-09-19T17:18:00.002-04:00

In the spring, my colleague approached me about being a presenter at the MASSW annual conference in the fall. I was stressed in the spring (and yet, I had NO idea what stress was). I thought about it and said "what the heck" and submitted my application. I did not think that it would be approved or accepted. I decided that I would teach this:
Abstract: Teens have a lot to balance in their lives, their developmental task is to achieve independence and define their self worth, and our job is to support them in making the safe and healthy choices. One of the best ways to reach these kids in the fast paced world is to provide them with life skills in a group setting, where they can learn and practice these critical skills. In today’s day and age, teens need to learn how to set limits, manage stress without succumb to pressure of drugs and learn to communicate needs and feelings. The most effective groups are ones that include ways that are multi modal, incorporating a variety of learning styles and includes small group breakouts. This learning session will involve how to build these groups, ways to break information down in multi modal ways and hands on experience of a group activities.
You know, sounds fun doesn't it. So weeks went by and school ended and I did not hear anything, so I assumed (Ha ha) that it was not approved. And then My life went roller coaster insane crazy. Then at the start of School in September, I got an email, with a brochure announcing me. Yes, Me. As a presenter at the Annual Conference in Grand Rapids in October. Yep, you heard me, Me. In Grand Rapids. Presenting at a conference about the above abstract. HOLY SH*&(@#*$&#(@*$U!
I panicked. Like a hair pulling, fetal position, panic. I had to be away from my family, a man that is struggling to take care of himself, leave him in charge of my two children for a three days?! What was I thinking?! I wanted to back out of it, and I could have because she knew (the coordinator) what was happening to me, but the brochure was printed and people have been expressing interest in my presentation. What presentation?! I now have to write a PRESENTATION?!

So needless to say, I have more stress than I can handle right now, I want to cry nearly every day with how tired I am. Everyone is being so wonderful with their support and prayers. Steve is struggling in so many ways, the girls are still so little, so right now I am physically, emotionally and spiritually the strongest one in my family. I am okay, I am up to the task of taking care of my family because God is giving me the strength to do this. I have perspective that it could be so much more worse and that we will be okay in the end. Even if the journey will be bumpy and crazy.

But now I have to write a presentation...

So, want to help me, many are asking how can they help me... any ideas of how to write a presentation about teaching professional social workers ways to build an educational support group for at risk teens, utilizing multi modal learning, while incorporating a variety of learning styles and implementing small group breakouts.

Any one?

Please....

What was I thinking?!

May God bless you with perspective and a sense of humor. May God grant you the wisdom to see into the future to see what your life holds you so that your decisions today will not change your life tomorrow. Amen.

Again, woman plans God Laughs and laughs and laughs.

Ha Ha

Kendra

On a scale of 1-10, I am a 1000 in stress!

2008-09-18T20:00:00.004-04:00

It has been a few days since the big news and I have been thinking and Steve has been thinking and I have been praying and talking and talking and listening and crying. I feel less angry, not out of anger, but less angry.

Here are my thoughts: "They" should not have approved Steve to return to work, he was coming back to his job, because he is loyal and careful and work oriented. They allowed him to return to work partially disabled and then laid him off. I just know that this is a clear violation of the law, American Disabilities Act is very clear about what you can and can not do to individuals who are on medical leave and disability. However, pursing this legally takes time and energy. So we have some hard thinking to do, what is the right thing to do for our family. I just wish someone at that place of business would understand what they did and offer him back so that he can remain on disability and heal. But they will not. So, we will decide to take the lay off package and sign hold harmless agreement or pursue grievance. I am sure that the suspense is killing all of you, so just hang on... cliff hanger ending!

My husband was not ready to job seek, he was trying to reenter into a position that he is familiar with, and a place that he understands with people who know him, how he works and more importantly what happened. He was NOT prepared to find a new job, start all over again and heal. Just getting to therapy, doctor's and helping with the girls in the morning takes his energy. His doctors have stated that he could work full time if he had to, but he still needs time to heal and gain strength.

IN my rational mind, I understand that lay offs have been happening in this state and I understand that the companies that contract with the company he worked for have been cutting back as well, that is not the point. When Steve is healthy, he would do whatever he had to take care of his family. And now he is progressing well, but not back to normal strength and endurance. And this is what has made me mad.

He feels horrible, he is out of sorts and does not even know what to do next. He is struggling with his sleep and he is tired again, there are all sorts of tests being run because his hemoglobin might be off again. And he is in pain in his knees and has two bone chips that might have too be removed at a later point. I remind him that he did not cause This. These are a set of circumstances, he did not make this happen. He is a strong man, a loving husband, a caring father and does not deserve to feel like he let his family down.

I am not angry, but I am sad, I am frustrated, I am disappointed. I could not do their job, I believe that people should come first, and policy should be second. I hope that these gentlemen face themselves and are able to sleep at night. Because I know that I can't sleep and I did not cause this and I put the people in my life first.

My job, I have to be honest with people, I have to tell young adults what they need to do, what they are doing wrong and what needs to happen next. I have to help them recreate their dreams because their original dream is not within reach. But I do this with kindness, compassion, sensitivity and respect. Even when it is bad news, even when I have to release them from my program, even when what I have to say is not fair, but it is what it is. I still make sure that I am compassionate and respectful. I put the human being first and the policy second. The thing that his managment seemed to be missing.

Again, these are just my thoughts. Please don't sue me for them. Only sue me for my actions.

My prayer for the day is:

May God lift us up, my He stand beside each of us and help us to be people with the Spirit in us. May God allow us to be strong and loving and caring with each other and most importantly with God. May God helps us find direction and purpose, His love His support will be our savior.

Amen.

May God keep you and your family blessed and may you start with day with a reminder that no matter what, we all deserve respect and compassion.

Kendra

Can someone pull that knife out of my back?

2008-09-15T19:23:00.002-04:00

Okay, I should probably put some distance between my hurt and anger and this blog. But I don't feel like it, so if you are associated with Steve's management, please stop reading, because what I feel is no longer your business.

Steve pleaded and worked with his doctors and therapists to be on the fast track to return to work, because he felt like that it was the right thing to do. He had lots of meetings and the doctors were hesitant but deferred to his wishes. "They" asked to meet with him today. He went, they brought him back to work and then in one milisecond they laid him off. Yep, you heard me right, they allowed him to re enter his job early from his disability and then laid him off.

"It is not personal, there are cut backs, there are production issues, others were laid off in July."

It is not personal, this I know, but how does it feel? PERSONAL. Could someone have said to him, don't come back, your job might be elimiated. Don't come back yet, heal up, take care of yourself, maybe even find a new job. Just wait. YOu know, a hint, a clue. Something.

Nope, instead, "sure we will accept your return to work goal. Oh and clean out your desk."

He has two weeks severage pay and if he does not sue, than an additional six weeks.

And now he has to find a new job, with two broken legs. Nice, huh? Not personal.

Oh, did I mention that the big guy at the company said that the two people (prior to Steve) were laid off in July because they were "young and did not have families, so they will be okay" This was told to us at the "meeting" where they made the announcement. And then Steve asked to return out of loyalty out of commitment and laid off. Last I checked, he is not "young" and "does have a family" but he will be okay, because his family will band together and help him.

That just gives me pause. Sue? I am not sure, check in with me in one week, I might be less angry.

As I type this the girls are singing God songs to him. I hope this helps him.

So... I am not being funny today, I am not laughing, I am trying to hold up my husband who broke his legs and now his spirit has also been broken.

So. God will never give you more than you can handle or God will give you the strength to get through what ever you have to. Okay, good because we need God right now.

May God Bless you and keep you safe.

Breakthrough Interventions

2008-09-13T15:16:00.003-04:00

Steve has had some serious and amazing interventions of the past few months. He lived through, what should have been a fatal accident. Or at least with more life altering injuries. He had surgery completed on both legs and stabilized in legs internally, which is incredible. And many accomplished people in the field of rehabilitation, have never seen this type of surgery before. Nearly everyone that came into contact with Steve, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, were all amazed that he did not have casts. The only ones that were casual about it were the actual surgeons. But we all know how "confident" and "self assured" surgeons are.

His physical therapy was intensive and placed him on the fast track to recovery.

But the occupational therapy was news worthy. yes, that is right, news ground breaking news worthy. I will attach the link so you too can see why.

Not the accident, not the surgery, not his story, not even his amazing and dedicated family (hee hee), his occupational therapy... Not even his therapist, not the site of rehab, the tool that he used to help him assist with his recovery.

Because this ground breaking technology was so critical for his recovery in rehab, I am starting a fund raiser to help buy this needed and critical technology for our home. It would help Steve continue this fast track recovery. As you will read in the article, this technology CHANGED his life. Because of other financial priorities, we can not afford it. But if all of you pooled together and donated $5 or $10, who knows we might be able to have this technology by Christmas.

Won't you be kind enough to help my husband, to give to this cause. The girls could easily help their daddy with this technology, so it would speed his home recovery, but it would also help him bond with his children.

Please, help us... we can't afford the breakthrough interventions, but I know that you can.

Please.

http://www.gchosp.org/news.aspx?sid=1&nid=20 Just cut and paste, if the link above does not work.

Read about my husband, learn the importance of this break through critical intervention.

And send us money...

May God bless you and your loved ones with all of the things that you need, and want!

PS. Do not send us a thing. Read the article. You will get it, I promise. I am being funny, at least in my head, it is funny.

The Limits

2008-09-07T08:03:00.007-04:00

This is picture of the boat after the crash. As you can see there is a hole, part of the boat is missing, the part that is missing is where Steve sits. His seat was rippped from the boat by another boat, another boat sliced into him ann his boat and took him and the pieces away. That is why his legs are broken. Ouch. Again, lucky to be alive.

I feel a need to talk about my thoughts and feelings about Steve returning to work. These are not Steve's thoughts. He wants to return to work as soon as possible, he has been working daily to try and get to work. He gets up each day earlyish, gets a shower and dressed first, moves around, tackles chores and works on the computer, all in the name of testing his endurance and his strength to return to work. He has gotten verbal permission from both of his doctors, with their warnings and concerns, which hopefully will be written as restrictions. He is motivated to return to work as soon as he can. He is worried about his job, his projects, his engineers, his colleagues. He feels bad that he has been out for this long and feels like he has let people down. He is a quiet guy at work and is probably known for his sarcastic wit, but he really does want to do a good job and does not want to let anyone down.

Now, my thoughts. I am proud of him for pushing himself on a daily basis, this is good, considering the first week or two in the hospital, he was depressed, struggling medically and did not think that he would recover fully, felt like he was going to be limited. I was very worried about him, talked to his nurses, his social worker, the psychologist, the activities director, his doctors, to anyone who worked with him and could address my concerns about depression, fear and anxiety.

By the way, for those who don't know me, I am a licensed social worker, who has been working in the field for over 10 years and have some respect in my field about what I do (This is where, you Tanya, stand up and say "she is one of the best that I have worked with"). I am a certified trauma specialist and currently work at a high school for at risk teens. I might, just maybe, know a thing or two about traumatic injury, depression, fear and anxiety side effects. And more importantly, I have been married to the man for over eight years, so I might know him too! But all in all, I was told that I need to be his wife, and not worry about the emotional piece of him, that let the staff take care of him for now, to take care of myself and my children.

I was not signing on to treat him, I was trying to talk to those who do treat him... alas, I was demoted to "wife." I will not mention any names, because everyone had incredible intentions and did their best, but a few people "tried" to help him emotionally and I felt like they were way off... One person came in to his room and wanted to talk to Steve about emotional and physical recovery and how common it is for people in Rehab centers to struggle with pain and stress. All valid points, this person explained the process of recovery and even prioritized the conversation by describing a few ways to stay focused on the outcome (discharge healthy) while in a hospital. I keep my mouth shut (for once) and listened, I had talked to everyone about my concerns... see above. This person KNEW what I was worried about, the reason that this person was in the room was because of my concerns. And I waited, for "The question" that I was not asking, "how are you feeling?" "What are you worried about?" "What do you feel this accident will do to your life?" I waited, patiently, as the conversation about how the food, the decor, the boredom can be obstacles to recovery. I keep quiet while they talked about the physical therapy and how that can be painful, which can be an obstacle... What about my concerns about my husband? When I could not contain myself any longer, I started to talk about my fears for my husband, his struggle with his fear that he could not be his weight on his legs, his anxiety of being pushed too far and not pushing himself enough. Or about how I know that it was anxiety of no longer being strong that was stopping him, not pain. And guess what happened... nothing. That is right, nothing. Apparently, when I asked about strategies for my husband to use to manage fears, anxiety and set limits on depression (things I were concerned about). This professional turned blank, as if I asked how to redevelop a medication without any side effects. Nothing. Not a thing. Just a "try to be his wife, not his social worker." Try to be his wife... and not his social worker... well okay, but here's the thing, I AM his wife and I AM a social worker. And quite frankly, I think that I am good at both and because of my relationship with my husband, I know him, really know him. I probably know more about how he thinks and responds more than anyone in this world, because we work hard on our relationship. So even though I AM a social worker, I just might also understand how he thinks, feels, even if I were not a social worker. When this person left, Steve and I looked at each other and he said simply (as he laughed) "Well, that did not help you at all did it?" And of course I said "it is not about me, it is about you did it help you?" (of course it did not help me, what the BLEEP, my concerns about my husband were not addressed at all). And he said "no it did not help me, but I have you. My Wife. Who is not My Social Worker." Ha Ha.

So, as "wife" and not "social worker" I started to do devious small things to lift his spirits, bring him strength emotionally, shift his thinking to positive and optimistic. I brought up his favorite snacks, brought up the girls daily, commanded get well posters and letters from the girls, displayed all the get well and encouragement cards from all of you, brought in the bible, brought in a laptop (borrowed) and his favorite movies, got him a radio to listen to at night, got him a book on cd that he wanted to hear, gave him money so that he could leave his room and buy coffee from the cafe, ate at least five meals with him a week, made his favorite meals, welcomed meals from others (thank you all), took him outside whenever I could, and most of all talked to him about his hopes, dreams, blessings and future. I made him practice deep breathing and bought him a journal to write down his fears and thoughts. And of course, I loved him and shared with him daily of how important he was to me and to the girls. I worked really hard to not be a social worker...

And I made Steve laugh at me. He knew what I was doing, he has been married to a social worker for some time now. I was not trying to be sneaky...
He had a lot of fun making fun of me... "do you know what would make me feel better?" he would say to me. (I am NOT dumb, I knew what he was doing, so I vamped it up a bit) "What honey, What? Anything, what do you want?" I would say with excited voice (sarcastic of course, because he knew that I knew that he knew...) "Hot fries." Whatever... Get them yourself, what are your legs broken... oh hey, they are!

Now I am sure that you might say, most women would do all of these things, because alot of women work at being nurturing and caring, this is true. I guess what I am saying is that I did not do all of this to make him comfortable and nurturing, I did it to get him focused and thinking about his future. I did not want him to give into the depressing thoughts and get discouraged.

What also helped was that he had a wonderful staff at both hospitals, they were all encouraging, sensitive, caring and really good at their respective jobs. Steve really felt cared for... and now it seems that it all helped him. He is not depressed now. He is focused and energized, he has moments of pain and is learning to understand and respect the limits of his body and his stress. He has physical therapy two to four times per week and is doing really well. He is able to walk unassisted for short distances, he is able to roll over and he is able to sit in a chair for over an hour. Standing is becoming much better and longer. Right now he is teaching the girls to play ball, chair side! He still has moments of being overwhelmed, being scared and being worried about his future, what his limits might be in an year or more. However, he is always willing to listen to my ideas, my thoughts and my suggestions, and is always quick to remind me to be his Wife and not His Social worker. Ha Ha.

Long story short, he is returning to work soon, we pray, much sooner than was initially projected (which was December), he is planning to be back in September. I just hope that he reminds and his job is aware of his limits. These physical limits and the emotional limits. I am proud of him for coming this far, working so hard to overcome so many obstacles and willing to go even further. I am gaining strength from him. I try to walk 10000 steps per day, because he can't, I figure this is my quiet way to help and support him. That and be his wife, not his social worker.

Do you know your limits?!

May God bless you and your family and may God have the most beautiful and loving way to show you your limits...

Kendra

Crash Diet

2008-09-05T21:08:00.009-04:00

I have a lot of miscellaneous thoughts and ideas in my head. Sometimes I speak what I am thinking, other times, I just chuckle to myself, because I find myself amusing. All in all in the past few years I have been working on becoming a more positive and optimistic person. I have been working on my emotional and spiritual side, with Steve and my children. This is just a semi explanation of this blog.

This blog is about me and my family as Steve recovers from his accident, but Steve said that he is stable now and his progress is consistent that I should just write about anything I want to. Anything? I want to? Oh my, the freedom, the glory, the pain (for you, not me). So here it goes, this will get to Steve, this can be about him, I promise.

One of the random thoughts that float around my head is the idea of sharing, giving, providing and weight. I feel and hope that if you exhibit moral characteristics, then you burn calories. If there is one brownie left and you share with your children (a wonderful characteristic for sure), then you will not have any calories at all. If you buy a mocha shake and share with your husband, then no calories. Get a dessert, split it with your sad friend, extra bonus negative calories (because you are sharing AND caring). Imagine my theory for weight loss after child birth... if you are a caring and nurturing, mommy on the spot, up all night, loving and patient during the day, breast feeding, while toilet training a toddler... we are talking 50-60 pounds gone, just like that. I mean, let's be fair, exercise of your body erases calories, why not exercising your morality, spiritually and emotional well being. We would all be thin, fit, healthy, happy and full of God's love and values.

Sooooooooo, wake up, huh? I gained "appropriate" weight with Erica (that little 8 pound 13 ounce darling) and unlike the amazing celebrities who seem to blink and lose five pounds, I have not lost one ounce in the past TWO AND HALF YEARS. I have been kind, generous, sharing, giving, compassionate, loving, sensitive, patient, etc, all of the characteristics that I believe in, all the ideals that God may have for us as well. Not one pound, in fact, I have gained a few over this time frame. Not cool! Maybe it is because while I am being all of these things, I do it over food, but come on, if you are going to be giving, loving, patient, sensitive and compassionate, doesn't that just scream "ice cream."

In fact, I am sitting here and typing this while I am eating graham crackers with made from scratch mango cream cheese frosting (yum). I know that I should not revolve my life and my theories on food, but I love food and apparently it loves me!

So I stopped trying to lose weight and my new goal became to not gain any weight. I was very successful with this goal. I did not gain a pound (after the 30 I gained with my pregnancy). I was so proud of myself. Now I could eat, take care of my body, take care of my emotional and spiritual health and meet my weight goal... let's celebrate! Cake anyone?

Steve has this "diet". He has described this diet to many people, he says that if you eat what you want, when you want, then you will not gain weight. Because, in his theory, you are happy with what you ate and then you have no desire to over eat or replace eat. Replace eat means that if you eat something, and it did not satisfy you, then you will eat more or eat something else or be very grumpy and eat more later. We call this the Steve Linn Diet. Want pizza, have it, hope it tastes good, but then you will be happy and will not have to eat more. Want pizza, settle for chicken... ah bad move, you will not be happy and will go out and get pizza later. Now you have eaten twice instead of once. You get the theory. (FYI, I have not had any success on the Steve Linn Diet and between you and me, neither has he.)

Anyways, in this quest, I had "sweet" days and "non sweet" days, days when I would not allow myself to have any sweets (my favorite things). I felt that this restraint, this "sacrifice" would help me in my theory I discussed above. Surely sacrifice is a spiritual and moral characteristic. Again, this helped with not gaining weight, but not with losing weight.

And my husband, my sweet, loving, generous amazing husband, is a food pusher. He eats and eats and eats (see above Steve Linn diet). I force healthy meals on him for dinner, but lunch for him is Taco Bell, McDonald's, pizza. He loves to eat late at night, he loves sweet treats and is always nice enough to buy enough for me and him (grrrr).

And then the crash, within a three week time span, he lost 30 pounds. Not one, not 10, 30. Pounds. Yes, I know what you are saying, he was in a life threatening accident, broke both of his legs, did not consistently eat for over five days. His appetite is significantly lessened, but he is eating now. What ever he wants, whenever he wants and he weighs less than me. That is right, I said it, less than me. We had a rule in high school, never date a boy that can wear your jeans. What now? Clearly, being kind, patient, loving, supportive, sensitive and caring will not shed this extra weight. And now I have PACKED the house with CRAP so that he will eat more and more and more. I feel like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, I have to fatten him up. I will NOT be the heavy in this family. Ugh. Which is why I have been walking and wearing a pedometer, I am trying to make it to 10,000 steps per day. I am up to 9,500 a day... so surely working this hard, caring for my broken husband, being a patient mom could make me lose at least five pounds. Don't you think?

If this does not work, then I am going to try the Crash Diet that Steve just did. Drive a boat really fast, lose control when rope gets caught in your engine, spin out, get sliced in half by another boat, break both of your legs and crash. Bam, 30 pounds, gone, just like that.

Okay, I can be reflectively funny about this because he is safe, alive and in full recovery. He is doing really well, getting stronger each day (not fatter, just stronger). He is in good spirits and we are nearly back to normal... for us that is, not the defined normal, we were never there...

Me, I am going to try the crash diet, right after I finish this cookie...

May God bless each bite you take and share with negative calories....

May His love rain on your heart and life.

Come on over anytime, we will have cake!

Kendra

While you were out...

2008-09-01T15:17:00.005-04:00

This was the last weekend before I heading back to work full time and our roller coaster summer became the "demon drop" of the fall! We had several wonderful invites to different bbq's and such, so thank you to all who invited us. We felt so popular.

We decided to split the weekend into errand running day, family together day, friend bbq day and get house in shape day. So we managed to get lots down on Friday, and Steve even slipped out with his brothers for wings and beers. Steve has not really had any alcohol since his accident, he had a few beers for the first time with our neighbors during the week, so going out on Friday night was a big step (no pun intended). I was a little nervous, because he is on crutches and does not have good balance right now, all I could imagine was that he would stagger home and land face first because it is hard enough to walk drunk, but to be drunk and not be able to walk even when sober?! I thought about waiting up for him and getting out the video camera, but that just seemed wrong some how. Needless to say, when he came home, he was not drunk, he was just happy to have some time outside of the house. And he did not fall or trip or even lose his balance. Next time, I will grease up his crutches, just to make it more interesting...

I am just kidding. Goodness, stop yelling at me.

We talked about the State Fair, but that seemed to much for Steve, he is trying to spend time with us, doing things that are oriented to the girls, but that he might find mildly interesting. When I discussed the Fair, he said "well, if you have called everyone you know and they can't go with you, I will go because I don't want you three to go by yourself." I heard "sure, honey that sounds fun, but the crowds might be hard on me." So, I called everyone I know (okay, I called two people) and they had already went, so it was off by ourselves or not. I know that Steve would have felt safer if we went as a family, because muggers and kidnappers would see me and two girls as easy prey, but two girls, a woman and a man in a wheelchair, that is like having our own security force, who will hurt us. He is in a wheelchair, he might run over your toes or something.

Needless to say, we went to Taylor Petting Farm and had a picnic lunch. Apparently, muggers and kidnappers don't go there. Because I want Steve to feel included, I left him in charge of supervising the girls while I went on a near 2 mile walk. Silly of me huh? The girls were on a playground scaring Steve to death, as they climbed the crazy ladders, jumped on the wobbling bridge and slide down the twisty tall slides. He was so scared that Erica was going to fall and hurt herself, that he placed climbing restrictions on her. He told a 2 year old where she could and could not climb, so that she would be safe. HE told HER about safety. Did I mentioned that he broke both legs in five places by driving a speed boat? When I returned, all was well, he was in the middle of the playground leaning on his crutches, talking to the girls, maybe ready to catch one of them... I am not sure how, but safety first!

Then we went to a friend's lake house, the girls love water, and boats so they had such a wonderful time. Again, I left him in charge of supervising (yes, two little girls playing in a lake with a man who can't walk or swim in charge) so that I could walk and the rumor is that he was lying on this stomach on the dock and pulling the girls on a tube back and forth. Now, I really wish that I had the video camera... And everyone was safe and a good time was had by everyone.

Then on Monday, our last day off, I got sick. I have these horrific allergies, they don't flare up often but when they do... look out. And the medicine I take, knocks me out for a few hours. When I got up, my face was swollen and I had an attack for several hours, but I did not want to take anything because I had things to do and I did not want to burden Steve. But then I caved, I had to do something, I was getting worse and worse... I took it and TIMBER...

As I drifted in and out of a fog, I thought about what happens when the person in charge can not be, what do the others do. I thought about what happens when the teacher is out of the classroom and the substitute comes in: spit balls, screaming, hair pulling, no work done and skippers. What happens when the boss is out of the office: extended lunch time, naps during hte day, computer games, gossipping, and no work getting done. When the ship's captain is asleep, they hit an iceberg and sink. I had to get better and fast. The children would starve, Steve would be in pain, people would be screaming, they need me, the ship is going down... I must wake up... I need to be out there with them...

Also, three hours later, I woke up, they were all alive and safe! (well except for the house, it was a bit messy.) and you can only imagine what I heard, "we were just going to clean up", and "I did not know that they made that mess, I could not see them becuase my legs are broken" and my favorite: "I told them not to do THAT."

So, I am better, thank you, and now I have to clean up the house.

What happened while you were out...

God Bless you and yours.

Kendra

God only gives you what He knows you can handle

2008-08-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

I have heard this phrase (the title) over and over, and it always makes me think. Are the people in the world who are faced with poverty, war, oppression and pain stronger than the others who are not? Or is that God only can control so much and then the choices are up to you. I do know that Adam and Eve had one rule and they could not follow this one rule, so they were removed from Eden and perhaps, giving free will, which might mean that God will love you, but the choice is yours to make. Or maybe it is all up to God, the All Powerful and He will only give you what He knows you can handle. Maybe Footprints is the true gospel, God will carry you when you can't carry yourself.

When I was pregnant, during our first ultrasound ever, everything seemed wonderful, exciting and amazing. We created this living being and here is living proof. And then within a week "the" phone call. There was something wrong with the baby's heart, they wanted to do a follow up ultrasound in a few weeks "but don't worry." Famous last words. I try really hard to pray all the time, not just I am in need, but during those two weeks, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I did not know what to pray for, I just wanted God to know that I was ready to handle whatever it was, but let the baby (girl, we learned) be safe. Turns out that there was a spot on her heart that did not grow, so as she grew, the spot became insignificant and when she was born, her heart rate was normal, strong and doing it's job. Nothing more resulted from this situation. I am so relieved that she was heart healthy, apparently I was strong enough to handle a heart healthy girl or I was blessed with a little heart that was determine to beat no matter what.

When she was a few months old, she lost weight, started to struggle to eat and would not have a bowel movement for a long time. I was exclusively breast feeding, so it was not a reaction to formula. I changed my diet drastically, consulted with allergist and a surgeon. There was talk of IBS and Chron's (for an infant), there was talk of surgery to repair a bone ledge on her bottom that was obstructing her bowel movements and causing back up to her intestines. We were monitored for a year by the surgeon. And then she was cleared, because her symptoms disappeared. While waiting in the waiting room one day, we meet a family that was being rushed to surgery the next day, to remove part of their 6 month old's colon. And we were cleared. Is that other family stronger than us? Or was this all we could handle. I feel blessed to say that we are blessed by much, but I don't feel that I am more worthy than that other family. So I prayed for them. And now, at 4 years old, you would never know that she has a spot on her heart and a bone ledge in her bottom...

When Erica was over a year old, she started getting such severe diarrhea that it burned and blistered her bottom. She had explosive diarrhea for over two months, daily. Which resulted in her screaming in pain each time it happened. She started to refuse to eat and lost weight. When she did not have a bowel movement, she was fine, developing, goofy, stubborn, herself. We went to an allergist and a pediatric gastrologist because we did not know what to think. Again, Chron's? IBS? He did so many tests, we changed her diet to remove dairy and we waited and waited and prayed. I did not pray for a cure, I prayed for the pain to stop. Screaming at every diaper change and not being able to wipe her, because at times you were wiping raw skin was awful and heart breaking. Then, during a followup visit. Done, no more symptoms after six months of daily problems. Normal bowel movements, gained weight, back to normal bottom skin. Done. No treatment, no diagnosis, nothing, just a "well, sometimes these things happen."

And now my husband, you all know this story, he should not be alive, he should be paralyzed, he should have a head injury and he does not. Today he walked slowly and carefully and wobbling with out assistance from the sink in the kitchen to the table, which is about six steps. Enough for the girls to notice and scream with joy that their daddy was "walking without the thingies." I think and worry all the time, it is what I do best, but right now, today, in this very second, we are either very blessed or very weak, because this has been all that we can handle.

I am not going to pray to be stronger... I don't want to risk it. I will pray for my family to laugh and love, I will pray for Steve and I to love eachother as husband and wife and raise our children with the word of God whispering in their ears. I will pray to remind us daily that we are blessed and as strong as God needs us to be.

On this note, Erica has popped in her diaper (because she refuses to be potty trained) and needs me to change her. But she is not screaming, and she is not in pain, so I will do so gladly.

Man Plans, God Laughs

2008-08-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

I went to work for three days this week. So, the first day I was really nervous, because Steve has not really been alone, but I trusted that we would be fine, since he is over 40 and not mentally challenged (don't make fun of my husband, knuckle head and idiot is not the same as mentally challenged). I like to be organized and in control, this is what works for me, so the night before (Sunday) I wanted to make sure that everyone was on board. I had food ready for Steve, so he could have lunch and snacks on Monday. I wanted to make sure all he had to do was heat things up. I made sure that he had clothes that were comfortable, toys picked up, paper pen, remotes, music etc. All within his reach. I moved the wheelchair so that he could get to it, when the bus came to him. I then laid out the girl's clothes, told them what to expect, that we were getting up before the sun. I got my clothes ready, packed my lunch, my briefcase, my laptop and made sure my presentation was ready to go. I charged my cell phone, his cell phone and headed off to bed. I got up at 6am, got myself ready, made my yogurt shake, woke up the girls, got them ready and out the door by 7am. I rushed, while singing cheerfully about what a great day we were going to have... and arrived at day care at 7:08am. The door was locked. I knocked, and her husband answered after a few moments in his pj's. Oh, I forgot to tell my day care provider that we would be early, very early, 45 minutes earlier than normal. And I thought I was cool...

I talked to Steve during the day, he was okay. He was nice enough to tell me that he decided to shower without me being home because he did not want to wait and that he went downstairs by himself to get something, because again, he did not want to wait for me to get home. Safety?! What?! NOOOOOO, I am talking about a hard edged hockey player, a man with a stubborn streak and a race boat driver. What was I thinking that I could leave him alone for eight hours and assume that he would be smart about it.

Did I mention that on Tuesday he decided to vacuum out the pool? And go into the basement... and did the dishes, while standing. Yes, this is all progress, yes I should be pleased for him and cheer him on. But as he is doing these amazing feats, I am at work and trying to be organized, cheerful, positive and energetic. I am now scared to come home. I jump each time my cell phone rings, is it him, the hospital, the police... When I get home, he is so sore, so tired and has a hard time moving... Gee, why?

He is bored and starting to go crazy in a way. For those who know him, knows that he can not sit for more than 2 minutes. He is always doing something and for some reason, he does not understand that healing is something. And that he needs to sit, he needs to relax, he needs to put his feet up. He does look cute, though, when he hobbles with crutches to the dinner table with pink Hello Kitty and purple Princess ice packs strapped to his knees because he is so sore and swollen because he was on his feet too much.

I am off today, and for the next few days, so I am better able to monitor him, in a way of course, that makes him feel like he is in charge of his own life and he is the man of the family.

He was able to walk today, without crutches or a walker, he walked less than 10 steps and he looks as if his legs are different heights, because he is wobbling. I was so mad at him for doing this that I told him that if he reinjurys himself that he would have to recover on his own in the garage (Yes, I am loving and supportive). But I can understand why he walked, I rammed the car into the house... oops. Don't laugh, did I mention that I have a lot on my plate? The car is fine, you can't even tell, but he had to walk out of the car to see for himself. Did I mentioned that he was stubborn.

I keep telling him that Erica is just like him, she decided today that she was getting up at 6am and when I told her that it was not time to get up, it was too early, she screamed toddler style obscenities for five minutes. Sound familiar to anyone?! Gee, could she be Steve's daughter. Her favorite phrase is "I do it by myself" and by the way, so is Steve's.

I need help. Bad.

Soooo, he is healing, and I will be breaking his arm soon.

Man or woman plans and God laughs and laughs and laughs....

Ha Ha

May the God shine His bright light and love on you and your family.

My summer vacation

2008-08-21T15:20:00.000-04:00

REmember when we were young, we returned to school after a long summer and our first piece of writing was what did you do during summer vacation. I remember one year, I tried really hard to fit in so much stuff in to my summer, so taht I had something to Say. I wanted to write all the cool stuff and then when I read it outloud others would say "wow" "ohhh that is so cool" or even "luckkyyy". Well, I work at a school, so I have summers off and this year, for the first year in a long time, I think taht I might actually have something to say. I am hoping to top this one. I can say this with humor because my darling is recovery and will be fine.

So.... John, how was your summer? (And of course I am bouncing on my toes just waiting to burst with my story).
John: "we went to the mountains in the carolinas and little susie lost her favorite blanket 50 feet down. she tried to get it, but we told her it belonged to the birds now."
Me: "Oh, sounds fun, my daughter gets attached to blankets, it must have been a tough ride home. Boy, those mountains are beautful though" (ASK ME ASK ME ASK ME).
John: "What about you? Any cool trips?"
Me: "Well, we went up north for the 4th, it is beautiful there. I had to cancel my trip to the beach though, my husband crashed a boat, got run over my another, broke both of his legs in five places, was in the hospital for one month and can't walk yet. But the girls and I went to the zoo on Thursday."

I win I win I win!

What was your summer like?

Are you ready?

2008-08-20T14:59:00.000-04:00

We went to the surgeon today. We have new xrays of his injuries and had a lot of questions answered. His breaks are so broken, it is one thing to know that he was injured, it is quite another to see what the damage really is. Don't worry, we have copies. Let me digress.

For those who know my husband, know that he likes to see these things. I, of course, like to pretend in happy healthy fantasy land. Come on over, because we have pictures of the wreck, and now pictures of his breaks. And if anyone has video of the wreck happening, even better... I look at these pictures and my heart hurts and I realize how close I was to losing my husband. I think about how hard this journey will be for him and I praise God for blessing him and keeping him safe (or God just wanted to keep Steve as far away from Heaven as possible, depending on your perspective). I see his boat pictures, his xrays and I flash back to our first prayer, when we found out that he was in an accident and seriously injured. I was driving the girls to a friend's birthday party (and THANK YOU for taking them without a parent Nikki), trying to be strong and not cry, and I wanted to pray with the girls. When ever we pray, I ask "do you have any thing to say to God?" and one of them usually does. This time Andrea said "Dear God, don't take my daddy to Heaven, we need him too much." So I see these pictures and this is what I think. He sees these pictures and says, "wow look at that" "Hey did you see this, right in half" "Five breaks, look at this one right here, that's cool." My inside voice wants to scream and slap at him, but I just smile and nod. By the way, between you and me, he is not all brave and strong. He has been listening the final Harry Potter book on cd and he had to turn it off, because it was creepying him out. He said that he does not know if he can finish it, it is too nerve wreaking and upsetting. Oh, okay. A fictional book about wizards dueling with eachother is much more terrifying than flipping a boat and getting tboned by another and breaking five major bones in your body, landing in water, realizing that something is wrong because you can't really swim, yeah I get it, put the book down, it's too much. (FYI, I read it twice and listened to it and I managed to sleep at night...)

His surgeon says that his femur is healing well and is looking the best, so far, which apparently is typical, femurs like to heal fast. Good to know. His right fibula and tibia are still a mess, the breaks are not healed, they are still in pieces and more or less being held together by the hard ware, but the bones are starting the healing process. The projection is that those pieces will reattach with time. (Don't ask me, I don't get it either). His left fibula and tibia are also healing, but just starting, the breaks are not as severe as the right, but also not completely fused and also held together by hardware. He has some time before he can walk unaided, however the moving and walking with a walker, will help build the muscles, which will help the healing. We thought he had three, turns out he has five... He was amazed by this, I was... well, ready to break his arm, if he didn't start reflecting on this whole thing! So healing will take time, energy and pain. He has a fractured piece of bone lodged in his leg muscle near his femur (it was part of his femur) that may need to be removed at some point, but it is not in the way at this time and does not seem to be causing any pain.

He is not allowed to drive for at least four weeks, and this alone is the thing that is causing him the most pain... apparently he hates how I drive and his blood pressure goes up, just by being in the car with me. I am not the bad driver, trust me, I am a conservative driver and he is a racer at heart, he takes chances in traffic and in my opinion is a crazy driver... so my driving drives him crazy! I figure that I have two children to raise and I am not going to tempt anyone to take me away from those children. I usually drive five over the speed limit, but I tend to stay in my lane, even if others are going slow. When turning, I don't turn into traffic quickly, I wait my turn, so I don't have to turn and do 80, I can just turn and be safe. When I am approaching a light and it is turning yellow, I stop most of the time, unless I feel like I can't. In my handbook, yellow does not mean rush through it before it is red, it means slow down. Would you like to guess how he drives? He accused me of being in my 60's today, based on my driving. And since I am in the driver's seat so to speak, I drove even slower. I don't mind being a little passive aggressive now and again. So, if any of you know any of the top 10 race car drivers, we will pay gas and mileage for someone else to drive Steve around. And no, this was a not a car accident that caused all of this, this was a boat. He has not had an accident in years (unless you count the fence that jumped out at him, and our house, which also moved in the way unexpectedly). I was the last one to get a speeding ticket, so go figure (Don't judge, it was over six years ago).

He will have therapy frequently for the next few weeks, ranging from 4 to 5 days a week. This helps him move, improve his range of motion, stand for longer periods of time and learn how to do things for himself again. He is learning to roll over, lift his legs and flex his feet. When he needs help, our children are great teachers, because they have recently mastered all of these skills.

The Rehab doctor stated that Steve needs to be out until December before he can return to work. When he ask the surgeon when he could go back to work and he said that whenever Steve is ready, when he feels like he could handle the pain, be able to move and sit without pain and balance the time. I don't even know what this means, when he feels like he he is ready?! Tomorrow?! Christmas?! 2010?! He has at least five breaks in his legs in total. He can only stand for around 20 minutes with assistance and he needs to move from a sitting position, if his legs are not elevated, every hour or so, he needs frequent therapy to learn how to walk again, has a chunk of bone in his thigh, but he can go to work soon?! When I expressed shock (politely and respectfully of course), the doctor said well, healing takes time, but his job is not high risk, so he does not have to wait until December, if he wanted to go back sooner, he can. He explained that he can only see the bones starting to heal, he can not tell if Steve feels ready or "comfortable" in managing his job and his healing. His healing will be more intensive right now, because of the breaks and the limited movement, but it will be less each day, each week. So, Steve, are you READY? I have heard that his work is reading this, so let me state, like my driving, my healing is conservative, I think that he needs to wait, go gradually, and transition back to work. The other day, he wanted to water the grass (yes he has a walker), so he clunked around the yard with the sprinkler in his basket to place it down and then back to turn on the water. I could have helped him, it would have taken me 2 minutes, him 10, but he needs to test his strength, his energy and his pain. Doing this three times (every 20 minutes) wore him out. Now, I know that his job may not be as intense as watering the grass... but I think he needs to wait. He can not come back for at least two weeks, we all agreed to that, but he would like to return sooner versus later. You know, when he is ready...

Tomorrow, I will test his strength by having him do the dishes. What, don't judge, it is good for his health and healing.

Are you ready?

May God bless you and all that you love.

What?!

2008-08-19T15:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, I will start this story to tell you that there is an inside voice and an outside voice. No, I am not crazy, I am perfectly sane and in control of myself, I just don't always say what I am thinking.

I am not sure how many people are reading this blog, Steve tells me that there are TONS of people, because when speaking to him, they reference this site. I, based on the comments on the blog, believe that there are three people. So, if I unintentionally make you uncomfortable with my inside voice, just remember that I firmly believe that I am speaking to Tammy, Nikki and my mom (and of course God can read my thoughts and knows my ever changing heart), I don't know who else reads it!

Let me disclaim that I believe firmly that I and my family are blessed by God's spirit, love and grace, so the following may be negative and cynical, but we KNOW how blessed we are.

My day so far: 2am: "MOMMMMMMMMMMM" I don't know about you, but at 2am, I am never sure who is crying, they all sound the same at 2am. Inside voice "WHAT?!" screaming back. Outside voice is quiet, as I get up without sound so that I don't wake up my "in pain" husband (What?! I did not say Pain in my... husband, stop putting words in my mouth.) I stealth like check the first room, there is nothing worse than checking on the wrong child and waking her up too. Bingo... "mommmmmmmmmieeeeee" "Shhh shh baby.. what do you need (quietly)" (inside voice "make it good girl" grrrr). "I need you". I see that she is sleeping on her blanket, I cover her up with another and rub her back. Five minutes later, silence. Inside voice: YES! loudly. No outside voice whatsoever. Back to bed.

3am: Would you believe that my bladder decided that it was time to get up.... WHAT?!

4am: "ugh" "ow" "ew" all coming from the left side of me. My inside voice screams "WHAT?! COME ON!" My outside voice just waits em pathetically, he does have two broken legs, be patient.

4:15 am: see above "ugh" "och" "moan"

4:45am: shift, deep sigh, deep breath, "uch"

5am: more moaning, my inside voice says "WHAT?! Seriously?! COME ON?!" My outside voice says: "Can I help you honey" Steve: "No, Yes, I don't know" Me: "Are you in pain, do you need a pill" (inside voice: or a pillow over your face?!). Steve: "What? Oh, yeah, can you help me? They are in the other room." I get up and get him a pill, some water, all the way trying to stay "asleep".

6am: silence. no noise, nothing. ahhh, thank God. And yet, Man plans, God laughs.
6:50am: MOMMMMMIE I UP.
Me: Inside voice: What?! UGH... NOOOOOOOOOOO
6:51am: MOMMIEEEEE I up NOW
Me: Will she be quiet if I ignore her, the book says to ignore her.
6:52am: UP NOW, Mommmmieee
WHAT?! Okay, up now.

And so it begins, breakfast, start coffee for Steve, Erica and I have a wonderful discussion about the need to drink milk first and then juice. "No Milk Juice NOW" was her point, mine was "Milk First, then Juice" all said quietly in hopes that Steve can get some needed rest and Andrea can sleep. Discussion settled, I put on TV (Don't judge me!) on the Dora for some cult like activity and I turn to get into the shower.
MOMMMMEEEEE!!!

Inside voice: WHAT?! Outside: Yes, Erica

"I new cereal."

"No, finish what you have" (I did not look, I assumed)

"It's ucky."

"And when it is all gone you can have more."

This time I nearly get the door closed, the on...

"Mommmeeee"

WHATTATATAT?! "Yes honey"

"Dhrah elpng oots."

"What?!"

"Dhrah elpng oots." "Oh.... Dora is helping boots. Okay, I need to get into the shower" "otay mommieee"

"MOMMMMMMMMM"

WHAAAATTTTT?! (really I said "What honey")

"I want to get out of bed now" (Andrea)

"Then go ahead"

"Come and get me"

WHAT?! Okay, everyone deserves a good waking up. In I go, half undressed. I should know better. Cereal, Milk, TV. Yeah TV! (DON'T JUDGE)

Cell phone rings... WHAATTT?!

Oh, need to take this one, go downstairs to confirm something.

Home phone rings.... UGHH WHAAAAAATT?! Voice mail (sorry, whoever you were, I can only do so much).

Steve calls, he needs help with something. WHHATTT?!

Okay, I am calmer when I get to him, because he is trying really hard to be independent, he is fun to watch, because everything is hard and laborious and he is trying so hard. I go and help him, and he is almost always grateful (unlike my little darlings... I need to work on gratitude when I have time) because he says, I have my hands full and he does not want to add to it. AHHHH, this is why I married him. My hands full... WHAT?! No?!

Okay, out of the shower, getting both girls dressed and ready for babysitter, so that I can take Steve to different places without two children hanging on us. Load up car with girls, get Steve moving to living room (he is able to dress himself now and he is able to get himself washed up, so he is less maintenance than the girls).

Get Girls to babysitters, back home to load up the wheelchair and walker and off to Steve's work, grocery store and therapy appointment. Have I mentioned that I feel like I have taken 10,000 steps and it has really only been 2,000. I will not fill you in on the details, because it was the same conversation over and over. What happened, look at the pictures, where he is hurt, how is his pain, what has he been doing... etc.

Many people were happy to see him, and pleased with him standing there and coming in with a walker. Amazed that he is not in casts (inside voice: "WHAT?! He is not faking it?! He did break both legs in four places, I swear?!) Outside voice, smile and nod! I don't know how he is not in cast, it is amazing, but because he is not, his recovery is daily, so we are glad that he is not, however it is hard to believe that he really broke both of his legs. The warm greeters and interested people warmed Steve, made him feel like he has a place at work and that who he is and what he does is important, so thanks to all of you today for taking the time to talk with him. We can so he could talk to his boss, who was in Mexico. What?! Man plans, God laughs. Two hours later, we left (Smile and nod). During this time frame, my cell phone rings twice (WHAT NOW?!) Walker in car, Steve in car. Off to the grocery store.

He was in his wheelchair, standing with walker for two hours was alot for him today, so he wheeled around the store, looking at stove and I said "No" alot. It was just like the girls... he is bored and was looked at ALL kinds of things that he could "do" from a sitting position. "No, we don't need that" "No, we don't have room for that" "No, they want how much?! No." "What? NO" (We also did not need the cheese cake, but come on I have been up since 2!)

Back home, unload Steve, the groceries and feel faint. It is 1pm and I have not eaten, get Steve's lunch set up and then mine. I don't even remember what it was, but I am sure that it was good. What?! Who has time to taste.

30 minutes later back in the car for therapy. Race there, wheel him in, fill out paperwork and then wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Did I mention that Patience was NOT my virtue. Finally (10 minutes late) therapy. Race back home, pretend to do some work, pick up Steve, pick up Girls and then home for a spell. I sit down. Not for long, but I did.

WHAT?! I am tired. Don't judge, I know that there are dishes in the sink, they are not going any where. Trust me, They haven't moved in hours.

My phone rings... WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!

"I just wanted to let you know that I have not been praying for Steve."

"What?!"

"I have been praying for you, because I know that you love your family and your life and I know that you might have needed a little love and grace from God right now. Many have been praying for your family, this one was for you."

"What..."

Thank you to all of those who are patient with me, with us. Thank you to all who have reached out to Steve.

Each day is a new day, he is growing stronger (and more stubborn) and the fact that it takes 45 minutes for me to actually get in to a shower, means that my family is alive and well and blessed. And to see my husband try so hard to be whole again and feel blessed at the same time, like each step, each reach, each stand is a miracle and he is loved by us, you and God.

What?

Homecoming

2008-08-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I have a bad feeling that after Today ("the big day"), I will be blogging some insane and crazy things, as Steve comes home and I am return to work. I will not make sense and probably speak in half sentences. But all is well, we will certainly make due. The devil is in the details and being a person who believes in God I think what that means is that the half forgotten details that can ruin everything is evil! Like, how to get the girls to daycare, school and myself to work, all before 7:45am...?! How to potty train a two year on a raised seat, with a wobbling dora potty seat on the top of the toilet mountain?! How to get two girls ready, make sure that my husband has ever thing he needs, since I will be gone for over 6 hours and make myself look presentable, so that I don't scare the children at my work?! I am glad to hear that the 80's hair is back, I have lots of hairspray and no time to style!

The "equipment" was delivered yesterday, ready for Steve, with the small exception of a transfer bench for the tub (the promise is to deliver tomorrow morning). He has many new fun tools (or toys depending on your perspective). The dressing tools, are apparently helpful for someone who broke their legs OR for someone who is four and has suddenly forgot how to put her shorts on unaided. The walker, the best toy, I mean tool. I hope that Steve can use the walker to get around our house, with two children dangling from the sides... The wheelchair, I can't even begin to describe the amount of fun the wheelchair is, all I know that if Andrea ever hurts her legs, she is ready and well versed is how to maneuver a wheelchair, she has only run over Erica once and that was "an accident" (sometimes you have to try to see if your little sister will actually move).

We made two signs, with the help of me and Miss Julia. We bought a cake, so we are ready to welcome him home. I am not sure what is enstore for when he comes home, he has been gone for nearly one month, but I am so happy that he is recovery steadily each day. In a small way, I can imagine how the families of military personnel feel, with the exception that my situation is some much safer. He has been safe this whole time, in a hospital recovering and not in a terrifying war situation. So, lately, with the pending homecoming and making sure that each family member has a role in this changed family, I have been saying small prayers to the military personnel.

He is using a walker for everything, so that is neat, he will have a basket on this walker to help him carry things. He is young, but I can't help thinking of my grandfather in his eighties... so I laugh every so often (silently of course). We are getting a parking pass, so that we can park in the handicap spot, which is troublesome for me, because I like to park in the back of the lot (got to get in those blasted 10,000 steps per day you know). So I think that I will park so he can manage and then do laps around him as he clunks in.

Our next adventure, is that we are going to go hiking with our buddies, their blog was so funny about hiking with a family of four children, that I think, heck, we are up for anything now...

May God bless you (and us!).

Take care,

Kendra

I have been told...

2008-08-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

Steve says that many people are watching the blog to see his progress and told me that I needed to update as often as possible, and I said "of course". Then I asked him what has he done that would be considered blog worthy... silence fell across the hospital bed. Sooooo.... I am doing what I am asked to do, because I am a GOOD and Wonderful wife. Okay, add a sarcastic tone to all of the above! I have not been blogging because my life has been sneaking up on me and he is stable and safe, so I have not been as diligent as I could be... sorry! He has come a long way since this blog started, today I watched him put on his shoes, get into the bathroom and get out without assistance (he is using tools and a walker, but these things should not count!). We went outside so that he could practice curbs and grass in his walker, he even made it over a root. So all in all he is doing well. He has been able to walk 250 feet (with walker), and even though this is great and fantastic, he was tried and sore. So this is definitely a maximum.

He will be attending outpatient rehab for a while, probably starting at five days a week until he is more physically stable. He is working to be independent so that he can take care of himself during the day. He has falling at least once, so he still needs to be really careful and there are certain things that he will not be allowed to do unless I am home. He is pushing himself to be stronger, faster, better, etc, and of course this slows him down the next day. He is worried about being a burden to me, worried about how to manage when I return to work, and is worried about when he goes to work. But his energy and his strength is setting limits on him, he is certainly learning all about balancing all of these issues.

He will be coming home on Saturday, so this will be a big day for all of us. We are all nervous and excited, but the blessing of all of these is that the girls are doing a fantastic job of cleaning up each night so dad does not trip. With tragedy comes growth!

While at home he had to walk around the house, get in and out on his own, he had to get into the kitchen, get something from the fridge, put it in the microwave, and then on the table. All this to make sure that he can eat when he is home on his own. He was able to do it all, it took time, but he won't starve! And of course he can reach the phone and the door in order to let the pizza guy in.

We need to take the time to personally thank each and every person who has been praying and wishing for us. Many people have been helping by feeding Steve (Michelle, Pastor Ele, Stephanie, Jim, Julia) he has been feeling great by the food and it has helped me so much. Tammy/Jason and Niki, thanks for taking the girls and helping with them, it has made all the difference in the world. Doug/Sue, Marion helped with money early on (Pontiac was FAR and expensive). Most recently, APBA, DRRA, Unlimited Detroit and Marine Prop Rider, who collected money as a group and gave it to us. Lisa and Evonne for treats and gifts for the girls. Val, Ward, Randy and Brian for helping me move furniture. Cleaning by Tammy and Jackie, which helped me so much. If I left anyone out, it is because I did not make list, and I should have because every one who did ANYTHING, deserves a heart felt thank you from us. Each person in our life has made such a difference. Some in small ways, some in large ways, all I know that each thing has made a difference. We love each card, each note, each message of prayer. When we were asked if we had support, we both nodded so affirmly. We both feel so loved and so blessed. Thank you so very much, each time makes a difference.

I know that this whole thing is a message from God, I am not sure what it is, but I hope that he figures it out soon, because we all know that God sends stronger and stronger messages!

God bless and talk to you soon.

Kendra

He's bored!

2008-08-10T15:24:00.000-04:00

I have heard the phrase that when the patient is getting bored at the hospital, it is time to go home. Well, poor Steve is bored. He is doing really well in therapy, practicing standing and walking up stairs. He is going really far (last I heard three or four times on the parallel bars). He is nearly getting dressed himself, getting himself in and out of bed. And is mad because the staff will not let him use his walker on his own. I am not sure how far he will go or where he plans on heading to, but he wants to walk the halls. He is not ready yet, because he is still a fall risk, so he can not be by himself. This is his last week and then he will be home, which I hope we are ready for him. The hospital staff will come over next week to evaluate him and then the MCM will help with coordinating what needs to be done and then we are off to bring him home...

It is hard to imagine that on July 20, he had surgery and he was consider high risk and now he is coming home! I can't even imagine being in the hospital for nearly one month.

So, medically he is stable, physically he is stronger and mentally, apparently, he is crazy with boredom.

May God bless you and thank you for all of your well wishes hopes prayers.

Kendra

Praise God!

2008-08-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

It has been several days since I have posted mostly because there is usually not a lot to post. Steve is steadily making progress, the case report day was wonderful. He has a standing tolerance of 7 minutes and is able to walk 30 feet with a walker. This is wonderful. Within the next few days, he will be practicing stairs. Our MCM came in today to complete an intake and she waived her magic wand and his hospital stay was increased, he is now looking at a discahrge date of August 19th. An functional home evaluation will be completed next week, with Steve!!!, so that we can figure out what he needs to be home. They are counting on me to return to work, so he needs to be independent. Once the team submits their report, our MCM will make it happen (I have got to get the wand that she has!).

Back to work will be a little more interesting. Because of his injuries, even though he is progress, he can't be on his feet (standing or sitting) for more than an hour at a time, they are estimated six months out of work, but anything can change, since he is progressing daily. I can't help but wishing I had been subscribing to that very annoying Duck on TV ("AFFFFFFLACK")! I am now assuming that the more annoying the commerical, the more necessary the product!

His hemoglobin is low again, not sure why, but some more tests will be run to make sure he is not bleeding internally. They are thinking he might have a stress ulcer (gee, I wonder why?!). this makes us nervous, however we seem to be the only ones... sometimes you just have to let go and let the professionals tell you when to be worried.

He is doing well at GC, the staff is wonderful and I believe that he is progressing because of the support, the prayers and the amazing staff. So, with that note, keep praying,keeping supporting and please now that if you have have been doing any of these things, we may not have personally thanked you, but THANK YOU.

God Bless

Kendra

What a difference a day makes!

2008-08-02T09:33:00.000-04:00

Each day he is improving, and he is very focused. The PT staff talked about giving him a day off of therapy this weekend and he refused, he wants to work every day because he knows when he gets home he will be able to work every day. They work on range of motion and then on movement. He has been able to stand with support for over two minutes and then he has been able to walk along parallel twice in a row. I think that if he keeps improving like this, they will kick him out! The goal is for him to walk out (however the policy is that he must be taken out in a wheelchair, so pushed out and then WALK). They don't really want him to have a wheelchair at home, just a walker, what a goal!

He has asked that I spend less time at the hospital, so I will honor that request. Although it drives me crazy, because I feel like it is the only time we have to talk, but he needs to me to be ready for him to come home. I was trying to be supportive and available for him, but he is doing so much better that he is not really needing me there. So the girls and I will take him food and entertain him with our exciting stories of our daily adventures! The girls get cookies from him each time they go and say goodnight, so they LOVE seeing him, I think that they see him as a big vending machine. One time, he forget to save cookies and I thought there were going to walk out then and there. But they love him, because yesterday, they sat with him on the bed (one on each side) ate cookies and drank juice. He will think of them as he rolls over on the cookie crumbs.

And now the cleaning of the house begins... ugh. If there is anyone out there who loves cleaning, reorganizing and decluttering, come on over. I have been hoping that Extreme Makeover Home edition will contact me, but I suppose on the list of people who are deserving, we are near the bottom! At this time, I would love for Clean Sweep to come in! But they would make the girls part with toys, which would start a war! Alas, the girls and I have some chores to do...

I will keep everyone posted on Steve's progress. He is doing very well, we are very blessed and fortunate. Each dinner, babysitting and prayer has made a big difference. Thank you all very much.

May God bless you and keep you safe.

Kendra

Finally nothing to report!

2008-07-31T16:11:00.000-04:00

I am happy to say that there is nothing to report, he is still stepping, still has positive energy, trying to do more on his own. There is talk that he might be discharged next week, which I find amazing and mind numbing. And then I think that there needs to be a devine intervention to get the house ready!

I will certainly let everyone know when I have more to say...

Thank you all and may God bless you.

Would you like to Dance?

2008-07-30T16:35:00.001-04:00

Steve informs me that he did not take two steps yesterday, he stood up several times and moved his hips around without really moving his feet yesterday... you say tomato I say tomatoe... And he states that he really really did walk today, he took two steps forward and then steps back, and he does not mean that his progress is poor, he means that he really did step forwards and backwards!! He states that he was able to put some weight on his legs and was able to manage it. For me, this was a huge obstacle becuase he was scared and I wanted him to feel strong, but it is not my job to feel for him (I did try, trust me). He states that he is feeling stronger and more positive. Even though he hates to dance, I think that he will owe me! He has a brace on his foot because his hip is turning his foot in and he needs more support.

He has asked me to be here less, he states that he is worried about me burning my self out and trying to do too much and I guess that he is making some logical sense, but I feel like I need to be here for him becuase I will have to go back to work and he may be still unable to. So for now, I will remain super woman and try to be it all to everyone (I never said that I was good at it). It really helps that I am off for the summer, I am able to keep my head above water. One day at a time is a great idea.

The girls are doing okay, we have our struggles, because it is just me, but we work them out, I am sad to report that Andrea recently resigned from her post of "role model" stating that it was too much responsbility. (YES, I KNOW, she is the daughter of a social worker). They talk about their daddy every day and it seems to help to see him at night. They are use to having me around all the time in the summer, so not too much has been turned upside down for them. I have awesome babysitters, so the girls don't mind when I leave, because it is "fun" time for them. I am not going to be able to afford it for too long, but right now it works. I know that many of you have offered to help with the girls so taht I can be at the hospital, adn that time is coming soon. I appreciate all of the offers and prayers. I think that it is this is what makes me happy, relieved and overwhelmed all of the same time. I hope that I am the human being that my friends are, compaissionate, caring, sensitive and generous. So thank you to all of you, I could have not done this without all of you.

Thanks for tuning in, may God bless you and I owe you BIG!

Kendra

Are we there yet?!

2008-07-29T16:21:00.000-04:00

Steve in improving and working hard in small ways, he takes him a long time to do the things that I take for granted. Putting on shorts takes help, tools and time. Steve, during PT, was able to get up and down several times and then take two steps (he does not call them steps, he said he wobbled twice). He is changing wheelchairs, to a wider one, I will not blame the hospital food, because he is not really eating it... but... (just teasing him). The goal is to have him walk before he is released so he can be fairly independent, not far, not long, but walk. Taking steps has helped him feel stronger and more confident.

The doctor thinks that he has solved the hemoglobin issue, he has a viral infection in his liver, not fatal, he seems to be relieved to have one mystery solved. I don't think that it is doing any damage to his liver, and he certainly is in the right place to get a full treatment of anything.

More and more people are coming to me to tell me about how impressive and strong GCity's rehab program is, and our experience is good to date.

He has been having visitors each night and he is usually very tired, but likes the company, so thank you to all who have been coming by.

I know that many have been asking what they can do, I have put some minor things on my lotsa helping hands website, so keep checking if you want! I think that when I get home, I will need so much more, but I have no idea, I don't know what to expect tomorrow.

This is really testing my control nature personality, but I am using my strength, my amazing support system and my believe in God to get me through.

I have sent out invites for a pity party next week, for those who know me, I am a very emotional and intense person, and because of the circumstances I have been task focused and not feeling focused. So, the one thing that I talk to others about is to take time to feel and then move back to taking charge of life. So, I will be taking time to feel, most of you might want to stay away from me!!

All in all, he is doing well, feel stronger and is started to get his awful sense of humor back (okay maybe mine is the bad one, but regardless he is being funny).

Each night I attempted to take food orders to keep up his strength and the girls and I come up to deliver his "snack" and to say good night. The girls love coming in and snuggling with him and then going to bed. Pretty soon he will be reading them stories, giving them sponge baths, all from his hospital bed!

One week One Day

2008-07-28T21:26:00.000-04:00

It has been one week and one day since his surgery and he is not walking... (for those who were goofy to make a bet) but he did stand with pararrell bars. That upper body strength will be awesome when he is done. So, maybe if program designer is no longer an option, gymnastics maybe?!

He had a few ultrasounds to check his organs and for blood clots, the results will be due later and he needed to be in bed until he has the results, which should be tomorrow.
The Insurnace Case manager is gonig to meet with us next week and helps us to smoothly transition from rehab to home. She has been giving me sound advice about my leave from work if needed and ways to balance it all. Which I needed the long conversation after both girls were crying and calling for me at bed time. When Steve is on the mend, my next big project will be to perfect the art of being in two places at once, I think that the stress in my family will be significantly decreased if I can do that.

He is making friends when the guy next to him, who is also his age. he is really nice and have a rare illness that shut down the nerves from his legs to his brain. So he needs to relearn how to walk, move, etc. For a brief and crazy moment, I think Steve was feeling lucky with just two broken legs. So I think some of the prayers coming to us, need to go to Dave and his family. However with male bonding comes pizza, babes and beers. I am the babe (at least I like to think so), there is no beer as of yet, but they can cheer with pain meds and I am the official food deliverer (tonight it was Wendy's). The rest of the people on the unit are over 70... so Steve has been racing them down the hall in his wheel chair and feeling pretty proud of himself.

Well, it is late and I am tired.

thanks for tuning in and may God bless you.

Kendra

Up and running at the hospital

2008-07-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

It turns out that the hospital is wireless, so I brought up our laptop and now I am testing it to see if it is working. I am not tech savy, but there is a wonderful wizard program! He is in therapy as I type, and is not happy, they are moving him, with the goal of standing and he feels this is "crazy". I am going to leave this here, so he can check the blog and so he can check his email. He will not do either often, he is not a big fan of computers, but feel free to leave comments, so he can at least read them, if you want. His email address is linnracing63@yahoo.com if you would like to send him a message.

Recovery is certainly a process and not an event, so your continued thoughts and prayers are needed.

Our insurance contacted me today and we are blessed with good insurance, they want to set up a case manager for us, for when he comes home to help with therapy, medical needs and equipment. Music to my ears! God certainly does provide, as well as the School system BCBS!

The Community Care Website

2008-07-28T12:07:00.000-04:00

Many people are calling or writing and asking what they can do. I am terribly sorry, right now I don't have a good answer. I am going day by day and so far the next few days are covered. But I have a website where I can post requests and others can choose what they want they want to do and then do it. This site is http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/606062/ If you want to help with something, and can't get in, let me know by sending me your email address and I can put you in as a member. My address is slinn7391@wideopenwest.com

I appreciate the prayers, the warm wishes and the comments.

I will post about Steve's progress after I see you today.

May God bless you

Kendra

One step at a time

2008-07-27T20:31:00.000-04:00

Steve is offically in Garden city and in room 135, for those who would like to visit. The visiting hours are from 4to8, due the amount of therapy during hte day. Dinner is usually around 5pm, so he might be in the lunchroom, hang out or stop on by, if he is not in his room.

Andrea and Erica have been by a few times already, and are very careful with their daddy, Andrea has instructed him how to stand up and use his legs again. It was quite funny because she said "they will get wobbly because you are not using them" and then showed him what she meant. I am hoping that seeing them keeps him in good spirits.

We have no idea about prognosis, it depends on many factors, including his strength. Today the PT attempted to get him to stand up using parallel bars, it was not successful, it is painful to put any type of weight on his legs. The strength that it takes to do this and put less than 50% of his weight on only one leg and none on the other is mind boggling. He breaks into a sweat and is breathing as if he just ran a marathon. Truly one step at a time. Maybe he should try Andrea's suggestion, "get on your toes, be a little wobbly and then straighten up."

The girls have decided that if he does not come home soon, we will move in with him. He is in a private room, but it is lacking in space for a family of four.

Kendra

Comments

2008-07-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

I would love to receive comments or questions or anything on this blog. This is my first time using one and my days range from crazy busy to eeriely quiet... Once the girls are in bed, I think about cleaning, dreaming about sleeping, too tired to do much of anything, so I check my email and the blog.

Is anyone out there?!

FYI, this should be about Steve, so Steve is okay today. Therapy on the weekends typically ends before lunch, he is starting to get bored, but does not have much of an focus or attention span. He wants me to institute a new rule, if you want to visit, you must bring food. Apparently the food is not fantastic?! Go figure. In all honestly, he is not eating much, so if you bring food, order from the dollar menu!

Take care

Kendra

First Visit

2008-07-26T19:22:00.001-04:00

The girls, who are two and four, got to visit their daddy. This is the first time that they have seen him in a week. They were so happy to be there, had lots of questions and I hope really motivated Steve and gave him strength. Andrea asked how we were going to get daddy home and when I said that we needed to wait until he was better, she stated that we were going to live at the hospital with him. Needless to say, we did leave without him, but I hope that everyone was in better spirits by being reunited.

Steve is struggling with some strength and anxiety about but weight on his legs, so this is an obstacle that we need to overcome, but we will because he is stronger than he thinks and he also has God to give him strength and calm his fears.

Thanks to all who are visiting and mailing cards, the good wishes and prayers will help.

Email Addresses

2008-07-26T07:17:00.000-04:00

If you are interested in helping with something for Steve or myself, please send me your email address so that I can add you to the Lotsa Helping Hands website. This is where I can post if I need something and anyone can sign up for the task. Or you might be able to go in and add yourself. My email is slinn7391@wideopenwest.com

Thank you
Kendra

Friday June 25

2008-07-25T22:01:00.000-04:00

Steve has moved to Garden City Rehab to room135. The visiting hours are from 4to8 durign the week adn from 1-8 on weekends. He will be having therapy durign the day for several horus and will be relearning some skills to move around semi independently. I am happy that he is so much closer to home. His pain is greater, because they changed how and when he receives his medications, he was moved form IV pain management to pain medication. The goal is for him to get around using a wheelchair for now, he has practice getting in and out of a chair from his bed. He feels weak and out of sorts, I think he is doing well and very strong, considering his injuries. I am very happy that he is closer to home so that I can be back and forth much quicker.

Steve's progress

2008-07-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

This blog will be updated for everyone to see - - - as soon as there is time!