God only gives you what He knows you can handle

I have heard this phrase (the title) over and over, and it always makes me think. Are the people in the world who are faced with poverty, war, oppression and pain stronger than the others who are not? Or is that God only can control so much and then the choices are up to you. I do know that Adam and Eve had one rule and they could not follow this one rule, so they were removed from Eden and perhaps, giving free will, which might mean that God will love you, but the choice is yours to make. Or maybe it is all up to God, the All Powerful and He will only give you what He knows you can handle. Maybe Footprints is the true gospel, God will carry you when you can't carry yourself.

When I was pregnant, during our first ultrasound ever, everything seemed wonderful, exciting and amazing. We created this living being and here is living proof. And then within a week "the" phone call. There was something wrong with the baby's heart, they wanted to do a follow up ultrasound in a few weeks "but don't worry." Famous last words. I try really hard to pray all the time, not just I am in need, but during those two weeks, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I did not know what to pray for, I just wanted God to know that I was ready to handle whatever it was, but let the baby (girl, we learned) be safe. Turns out that there was a spot on her heart that did not grow, so as she grew, the spot became insignificant and when she was born, her heart rate was normal, strong and doing it's job. Nothing more resulted from this situation. I am so relieved that she was heart healthy, apparently I was strong enough to handle a heart healthy girl or I was blessed with a little heart that was determine to beat no matter what.

When she was a few months old, she lost weight, started to struggle to eat and would not have a bowel movement for a long time. I was exclusively breast feeding, so it was not a reaction to formula. I changed my diet drastically, consulted with allergist and a surgeon. There was talk of IBS and Chron's (for an infant), there was talk of surgery to repair a bone ledge on her bottom that was obstructing her bowel movements and causing back up to her intestines. We were monitored for a year by the surgeon. And then she was cleared, because her symptoms disappeared. While waiting in the waiting room one day, we meet a family that was being rushed to surgery the next day, to remove part of their 6 month old's colon. And we were cleared. Is that other family stronger than us? Or was this all we could handle. I feel blessed to say that we are blessed by much, but I don't feel that I am more worthy than that other family. So I prayed for them. And now, at 4 years old, you would never know that she has a spot on her heart and a bone ledge in her bottom...

When Erica was over a year old, she started getting such severe diarrhea that it burned and blistered her bottom. She had explosive diarrhea for over two months, daily. Which resulted in her screaming in pain each time it happened. She started to refuse to eat and lost weight. When she did not have a bowel movement, she was fine, developing, goofy, stubborn, herself. We went to an allergist and a pediatric gastrologist because we did not know what to think. Again, Chron's? IBS? He did so many tests, we changed her diet to remove dairy and we waited and waited and prayed. I did not pray for a cure, I prayed for the pain to stop. Screaming at every diaper change and not being able to wipe her, because at times you were wiping raw skin was awful and heart breaking. Then, during a followup visit. Done, no more symptoms after six months of daily problems. Normal bowel movements, gained weight, back to normal bottom skin. Done. No treatment, no diagnosis, nothing, just a "well, sometimes these things happen."

And now my husband, you all know this story, he should not be alive, he should be paralyzed, he should have a head injury and he does not. Today he walked slowly and carefully and wobbling with out assistance from the sink in the kitchen to the table, which is about six steps. Enough for the girls to notice and scream with joy that their daddy was "walking without the thingies." I think and worry all the time, it is what I do best, but right now, today, in this very second, we are either very blessed or very weak, because this has been all that we can handle.

I am not going to pray to be stronger... I don't want to risk it. I will pray for my family to laugh and love, I will pray for Steve and I to love eachother as husband and wife and raise our children with the word of God whispering in their ears. I will pray to remind us daily that we are blessed and as strong as God needs us to be.

On this note, Erica has popped in her diaper (because she refuses to be potty trained) and needs me to change her. But she is not screaming, and she is not in pain, so I will do so gladly.