What do I say?

I have a lot on my mind and nothing to say. There are a lot of things that I need to say, like thank you to the people who were more than generous this past six months. I have a lot of things that I want to say, but can't. Because not all of my thoughts are nice and pure.... And I have a lot of things I just don't know how to put into words.

I try and use this blog for a place where people can read about my family and Steve's progress. And every so often it becomes a place for me to air things out. I am afraid to say that this is one of those, here it comes!

I have three friends, whose blogs I read and love. They are charming, caring, inspirational and even funny. These I use to inspire me to be the same. And yet, I have been avoiding doing a blog because I am feeling crappy and negative and impatient. And for NO good reason.

We are so blessed and we are okay in many many ways. And when we are not okay, as a family, we have eachother. I have stressed, however less stress than many people in this world, so I need to let my crappiness go. My husband and I got into our real first fight in months the other week. Now, if you know us, you know that I like to talk things out (yeah, it is annoying), but we don't fight often, but we did. What he said was true, how he said it was ugly. I did not respond to the words, I reacted to the way it was said. And I got defensive and just stopped. This was not the beginning of the crappy feelings, this was the situation that put it out there (for those who were worried, we made up one hour later, talked it out and are fine now). What he said, in essence, is that I worry too much, I try to do too much, and I end up nowhere but stressed. He is right, and it would explain why I am crappy. But now what?

Everything takes work. Being positive takes work (at least for me), being insightful, thought and understanding takes a whole lot of work. Being productive and efficient, takes work. Having faith... takes work. I love being a social worker, a wife, a mother, a child of God, but it all takes work. And I am tired. And being tired makes me crappy. And being crappy makes me feel bad, because of the support, the guidance, the love, the compassion that has been shown to us in the past six months, does not warrant crappy, it warrants love, faith and gratefulness. So that makes me feel lousy, because I am not the person that deserves all of this kindness, generosity and compassion. So I work to not be crappy, because I should not be. And then that takes work, and then I am tired again, because it takes work and we all now what happens when I am tired. Ugh. I am like a dog chasing his tail.

So... what do I say?

Steve is okay. Loads of discomfort, pain in his legs, but his mobility is good. He is done with physical therapy, and is suppose to be doing it on his own, he should... but. He is at the doctor's a lot, he has three and they all like to see him. He is doing really well, he deserves to be crappy, but he is not. He is hopeful, proud and trying really hard to stay on top of his recovery and his employment.

He has had one job interview of the past four months, but one is better than none. He is not crappy, he is trying to get training, new classes, stays motivated and focused.

The girls are great, both in great health, sharp and smart and remind me everyday that I have a lot to be grateful about. They are not crappy (well, not all of the time).

And the good news is that crabbiness is just a phase and I will pass through it. And right when I think things could not worse... Erica shows me what true and real crabbiness looks like. And nothing, I mean NOTHING, is better than seeing a three year in an all out massive, "I want what I want" temper tantrum. She puts my crabbiness to shame. I need to take lessons from the master. Andrea of course does not get crabby, she gets righteous. In case any of you doubt who is the boss around here, it is not me.

So, I will take a lesson from my children, have a meltdown, get all crappy and crazy, go to time out, and then come out fresh as a daisy and ready to start with a whole new attitude.

And I will take a lesson from my husband, keep moving forward, even when you have to use support to do it.

And I will pray. I have found a little prayer... funny I think.

"God grant me the courage and the patience to get through this day, help me with the strength to cope with all of the people who piss me off. Amen"