Come along for the ride

So here is how my brain works... I have not been sleeping well for a long time. I would say for about two years. I get sleep some nights and some nights I don't. I don't have insomnia, I don't feel a strong desire to get out of bed, I am just not sleep, my brain moves and thinks and some days I don't seem to have to ability to shut it off. And guess what, the stress in my life as really impacted my ability to sleep. I am so tired and yet I can't sleep well. What has become typical for me is to sleep for an hour and then awake and thinking, back to sleep and then awake. I cycle through this about four or five times a night, so I am awake about every two hours or so. So during one of these nights, I am thinking about Steve, how to help him, what happened to him with work, should we sue or not, and a carnival theme. I just know what you are thinking, a what?! I will explain, why a carnival theme. Come along for the ride...

At the school that I work at, we had a homecoming parade with the theme of (drum roll) a carnival. We entered a float in to the contest. There were a lot of really neat floats, and I do love a carnival and a parade, so we had fun. Usually it ends up being 10 students and staff that make this happen. Did I mention that I work for a high school with at risk students? They are not connected to their community, to their school and at times, not even connected to themselves. So, only 10-20 students helping is normal, even thought there are about 160 in our program. But we try, we, as a staff, try really hard to connect the students, to build relationships and to show them that someone somewhere cares about what happens to them today and tomorrow. It is not always easy to put the relationship and the compassion ahead of the consequences and the discipline, but we try.

Yep, that is right, my brain thought about how fun it would be to interwove all of these themes. I don't know, I am weird, I admit that, but goodness this was just strange. I can't shake this feeling that we are walking (or limping) through a fun house, with all kinds of twists and turns. The fake mirrors that make you smaller than a two year or as big as a giant. And the way out is a secret, one wrong turn and you are horribly lost. And for fun, let's add in some scary creatures to jump out at you when you least expect it. And then they build fake doors that led to no where but you can't turn around and go the way you came. Hate that. When Steve got laid off, I was mad because I felt that the people in charge could not prevent the lay off, but they could have opened a door for him. They could have let him know, rather than let us get even more lost in the maze. They could have told him to stay on medical, denied him returning part time, make him stay on the full recommended leave. That would have opened a wall in that maze, that would have given us direction. I am trying to not be angry about this, but when I watch my husband struggle daily with his strength, knowing he is not ready to be on his feet quite yet.

And I think about me and my job and my staff and how no matter how difficult the kid is, we have limits, but we have compassion. This world, this life of ours is a maze in a fun house, full of sights, sounds, not knowings, fake doors, distortion, fun and laughter. We all need the people around us to help us through this crazy fun house, not push us further in. This week alone I work with students that make it hard to have compassion for, they are very difficult, but they deserve a chance to find their way out of their fun house. This is what I think when I think about Steve's bosses, where they leave their compassion, what caused them to forget about it.

And the other thing that runs in my mind late at night is that I am like that punching bag, the one that gets knocked over with any level of force but then pops right back up. That is what I feel like, I get knocked over but I get right back up. "Come on, is that all you have!"

Yes, this is what I am thinking about when I should be sleeping.

Weird, huh? I love analogies and stories, I think that analogies can give someone else a visual of what you mean, when you are talking about abstract things like feelings. Nothing describes how I feel better than when I say that I am horribly lost in a scary unfun fun house, with the loud obnoxious music, so I can't get my bearings.

Oh, don't worry, I will get us out, because no matter how big the fun house maze is, God is always talking me through. Or maybe God is the one to plant this image in my brain, saying, "have some fun with it." I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. I mean he made man first right, that's funny.

And I am taking a total detour now... the judges were walking by and I decided to talk to them about our float. My principal is our spokesperson most of the time for most things, but I know how to relate, so I took this job on, because she was sitting and looked tired (here comes that compassionate thing). So I talked and explained. We discussed how we were dressed as clowns because we are the at risk school, just a bunch of clowns right?! Ha ha ha. He looked at me and said with full seriousness, "please don't do that, these kids need your help, they need a future and you need to help them. Don't teach them to be clowns."

Huh? I guess he does not know exactly what we do. When he walked away one of the teachers stated "well right when I was going to teach them to juggle on Monday."

Did I mention that the juniors and their class sponsers made a whack a mole float, do you think that they will be in trouble for whacking their students? Gosh, I hope not. Think about how wrong that must be.

And I wonder why my brain is so crazy, I can't make this stuff up. I am surrounded by craziness. Anyways, back to the topic.

So, in my awake life, we went to the float parade and saw a penguin dressed up as a clown, a carousel, a whack a mole game and a lazy river ride. I love the creativity that goes into this, it is fun to see and watch. No fun house though... thank goodness, because I might have taken a hammer to it and tore it apart with my bare hands. And my daughter asked the best questions "why are we doing this?" "Because" I answer "we are cheering on the team, we want them to win today." "Oh," she says simply, "who is cheering us on? Because we need to win."

Yes we do, my little darling, yes we do.

Well, welcome to my fun house. I will give you a map and lots of choices, because I wish for you to have fun and laughs. And quite frankly everyone needs a little direction now and again.

May God bless you, keep you from harm and steer you in the right direction.

Kendra